In the late 1980s and early 1990s when I was a young teen growing up in far North Austin, it was a popular custom for many boys in the neighborhood to assemble at the local Stop-N-Go after school on a regular basis for some Grand Champion level tournaments in Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat. The collective insistence of our mothers and fathers to get out of the house, get some exercise, and refrain from playing NES or Sega on the television only led us to seek out more video games at the convenience store down the road. Much allowance and lunch money was spent as well as hours that should have been devoted to homework among the 8 or 9 regular boys in attendance, often challenging each other to 'Best of 5' matches. I myself played Dhalsim and SubZero, and not very well, so I rarely ever made it to the 5th match. The store workers frequently kicked us out for the day only to have us return when they weren't working the counter anymore if not the next day.
There is something about that which has been lost in the present day. While people can today download the latest games on Steam or PSN or in the app store on your smartphone, you can't just find arcade games in stores and restaurants like you used to be able to. And so the fun of a spontaneous 8 or 10 person multiplayer video game tournament has been confined to places like bars, pool halls, Pinballz or Dave&Busters.
But in truth it was that ubiquity of arcade video games, how you could find them in any old 7-11 or Laundromat, which is what killed the original arcades of the early 1980s before the Great Crash of 1983 when home video game consoles started to catch up to what you saw in the arcade.
I was born in the mid 1970s so I missed out on Pong. I was kindergarten age when the Golden Age of Arcade Games took place in the early 1980s. There used to be a place called Skateworld on Anderson Mill Road that was primarily for roller skating but had a respectable arcade in its own right. It was there that I honed my skills on the original Tron, Pac Man, Galaga, Pole Position, Defender, and so many others. In the 1980s I remember visiting all the same mall arcades as others in my age group. There was Aladdin's Castle in Barton Creek Mall, The Gold Mine in Highland, and another Gold Mine in Northcross which was eventually renamed Tilt. Westgate Mall also had an arcade but being a north austin kid I never went there until later in the mid 1990s. There were also places like Malibu Grand Prix and Showbiz Pizza and Chuck-E-Cheeze, all of which had fairly large arcades for kids which were the secondary attraction.
If you're of a certain age you will remember Einsteins and LeFun on the Drag. They were there for a few decades going back way before the Slacker era. Lesser known is that the UT Student Union basement used to have an arcade that was comparable to either or both of those places. Back in the pre-9/11 days it was much easier to sneak in if you even vaguely looked like you could be a UT student.
But there was another place I was too young to have experienced called Smitty's up further north on 183 at Lake Creek in the early 1980s. I never got to go there but I always heard about it from older kids at the time. It was supposed to have been two stories of wall to wall games with a small snack bar. I guess at the time it served a mostly older teen crowd from Westwood High School and for that reason younger kids my age weren't having birthday parties there. It wasn't around very long, just a few years during the Golden Age of Arcades.
It is with almost-forgotten early arcades like that in mind that I wanted to share with y'all some examples of places from The Golden Age of the Video Arcade in Austin using some old Statesman articles I've found. Maybe someone of a certain age on here will remember them. I was curious what they were like, having missed out by being slightly too young to have experienced most of them first hand. I also wanted to see the original reaction to them in the press. I had a feeling there was some pushback from school/parent/civic groups on these facilities showing up in neighborhood strip malls or next to schools, and I was right to suspect. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First let's list off some places of interest. Be sure to speak up if you remember going to any of these, even if it was just for some other kid's birthday party. Unfortunately some of the only mentions about a place are reports of a crime being committed there, such as our first few examples.
Forgotten Arcade #1
Fun House/Play Time Arcade - 2820 Guadalupe
June 15, 1975

ARCADE ENTHUSIASM
A gang fight involving 20 30 people erupted early Saturday morning in front of an arcade on Guadalupe Street. The owner of the Fun House Arcade at 282J Guadalupe told police pool cues, lug wrenches, fists and a shotgun were displayed during the flurry. Police are unsure what started the fisticuffs, but one witness at the scene said it pitted Chicanos against Anglos. During the fight the owner of the arcade said a green car stopped at the side of the arcade and witnesses reported the barrel of a shotgun sticking out. The crowd wisely scattered and only a 23-year-old man was left lying on the ground. He told police he doesn't know what happened.

March 3, 1976

ARCADE ROBBED
A former employee of Play Time Arcade, 2820 Guadalupe, was charged Tuesday in connection with the Tuesday afternoon robbery of his former business. Police have issued a warrant for the arrest of Ronnie Magee, 22, of 1009 Aggie Lane, Apt. 306. Arcade attendant Sam Garner said he had played pool with the suspect an hour before the robbery. He told police the man had been fired from the business two weeks earlier. Police said a man walked in the arcade about 2:45 p m. with a blue steel pistol and took $180. Magee is charged with first degree aggravated robbery. Bond was set on the charge at $15,000.

First it was called Fun House and then renamed Play Time a year later. I'm not sure what kind of arcade games beyond Pong and maybe Asteroids they could have had at this place. The peak of the Pinball craze was supposed to be around 1979, so they might have had a few pinball machines as well. A quick search of youtube will show you a few examples of 1976 video games like Death Race. The location is next to Ken's Donuts where PokeBowl is today where the old Baskin Robbins location was for many years.
Forgotten Arcade #2
Green Goth - 1121 Springdale Road
May 15, 1984

A 23-year-old man pleaded guilty Monday to a January 1983 murder in East Austin and was sentenced to 15 years in prison. Jim Crowell Jr. of Austin admitted shooting 17-year-old Anthony Rodriguez in the chest with a shotgun after the two argued outside the Green Goth, a games arcade at 1121 Springdale Road, on Jan. 23, 1983. Crowell had argued with Rodriguez and a friend of Rodriguez at the arcade, police said. Crowell then went to his house, got a shotgun and returned to the arcade, witnesses said. When the two friends left the arcade, Rodriguez was shot Several weeks ago Crowell had reached a plea bargain with prosecutors for an eight-year prison term, but District Judge Bob Perkins would not accept the sentence, saying it was shorter than sentences in similar cases. After further plea bargaining, Crowell accepted the 15-year prison sentence.

I can't find anything else on Green Goth except reports about this incident with a murder there. There is at least one other report from 1983 around the time of Crowell's arrest that also refer to it as an arcade but reports the manager said the argument started over a game of pool. It's possible this place might have been more known for pool.
Forgotten Arcades #3 & #4
Games, Etc. - 1302 S. First St
Muther's Arcade - 2532 Guadalupe St
August 23, 1983

Losing the magic touch - Video Arcades have trouble winning the money game
It was going to be so easy for Lawrence Villegas, a video game junkie who thought he could make a fast buck by opening up an arcade where kids could plunk down an endless supply of quarters to play Pac-Man, Space Invaders and Asteroids. Villegas got together with a few friends, purchased about 30 video games and opened Games, Etc. at 1302 S. First St in 1980. .,--.... For a while, things, went great Kids waited in line to spend their money to drive race cars, slay dragons and save the universe.
AT THE BEGINNING of 1982, however, the bottom fell out, and Villegas' revenues fell from $400 a week to $25. Today, Games, Etc. is vacant Villegas, 30, who is now working for his parents at Tony's Tortilla Factory, hasn't decided what he'll do with the building. "I was hooked on Asteroids, and I opened the business to get other people hooked, too," Villegas said. "But people started getting bored, and it wasn't worth keeping the place open. In the end, I sold some machines for so little it made me sick."
VILLEGAS ISNT the only video game operator to experience hard times, video game manufacturers and distributors 'It used to be fairly common to get $300 a week from a machine. Now we rarely get more than $100 .
Pac-Man's a lost cause. Six months ago, you could resell a Pac-Man machine for $1,600. Now, you're lucky to get $950 if you can find a buyer." Ronnie Roark says. In the past year, business has dropped 25 percent to 65 percent throughout the country, they say. Most predict business will get even worse before the market stabilizes. Video game manufacturers and operators say there are several reasons for the sharp and rapid decline: Many video games can now be played at home on television, so there's no reason to go to an arcade. The novelty of video games has worn off. It has been more than a decade since the first ones hit the market The decline can be traced directly to oversaturation or the market arcade owners say. The number of games in Austin has quadrupled since 1981, and it's not uncommon to see them in coin-operated laundries, convenience stores and restaurants.
WITH SO MANY games to choose from, local operators say, Austinites be came bored. Arcades still take in thousands of dollars each week, but managers and owners say most of the money is going to a select group of newer games, while dozens of others sit idle.
"After awhile, they all seem the same," said Dan Moyed, 22, as he relaxed at Muther's Arcade at 2532 Guadalupe St "You get to know what the game is going to do before it does. You can play without even thinking about it" Arcade owners say that that, in a nutshell, is why the market is stagnating.
IN THE PAST 18 months, Ronnie Roark, owner of the Back Room at 2015 E. Riverside Drive, said his video business has dropped 65 to 75 percent Roark, . who supplied about 160 video games to several Austin bars and arcades, said the instant success of the games is what led to their demise. "The technology is not keeping up with people's demand for change," said Roark, who bought his first video game in 1972. "The average game is popular for two or three months. We're sending back games that are less than five months old."
Roark said the market began dropping in March 1982 and has been declining steadily ever since. "The drop started before University of Texas students left for the summer in 1982," Roark said. "We expected a 25 percent drop in business, and we got that, and more. It's never really picked up since then. - "It used to be fairly common to get $300 a week from a machine. Now we rarely get more than $100. 1 was shocked when I looked over my books and saw how much things had dropped."
TO COMBAT THE slump, Roark said, he and some arcade owners last year cut the price of playing. Even that didn't help, he said. Old favorites, such as Pac-Man, which once took in hundreds of dollars each week, he said, now make less than $3 each. "Pac-Man's a lost cause," he said. "Six months ago, you could resell a Pac-Man machine for $1,600. Now, you're lucky to get $950 if you can find a buyer." Hardest hit by the slump are the owners of the machines, who pay $3,500 to $5,000 for new products and split the proceeds with the businesses that house them.
SALEM JOSEPH, owner of Austin Amusement and Vending Co., said his business is off 40 percent in the past year. Worse yet, some of his customers began returning their machines, and he's having a hard time putting them back in service. "Two years ago, a machine would generate enough money to pay for itself in six months,' said Joseph, who supplies about 250 games to arcades. "Now that same machine takes 18 months to pay for itself." As a result, Joseph said, he'll buy fewer than 15 new machines this year, down from the 30 to 50 he used to buy. And about 50 machines are sitting idle in his warehouse.
"I get calls every day from people who want to sell me their machines," Joseph said. "But I can't buy them. The manufacturers won't buy them from me." ARCADE OWNERS and game manufacturers hope the advent of laser disc video games will buoy the market Don Osborne, vice president of marketing for Atari, one of the largest manufacturers of video games, said he expects laser disc games to bring a 25 percent increase in revenues next year. The new games are programmed to give players choices that may affect the outcome of the game, Os borne said. "Like the record and movie industries, the video game industry is dependent on products that stimulate the imagination," Osborne said "One of the reasons we're in a valley is that we weren't coming up with those kinds of products."
THE FIRST of the laser dis games, Dragonslayer and Star Wan hit the market about two months ago. Noel Kerns, assistant manager of The Gold Mine Arcade in Northcross Mall, says the new games are responsible for a $l,000-a-week increase in revenues. Still, Kerns said, the Gold Mine' total sales are down 20 percent iron last summer. However, he remain optimistic about the future of the video game industry. "Where else can you come out of the rain and drive a Formula One race car or save the universe?" hi asked.
Others aren't so optimistic. Roark predicted the slump will force half of all operators out of business and will last two more years. "Right now, we've got a great sup ply and almost no demand," Roark said. "That's going to have to change before things get- significantly better."

Well there is a lot to take from that long article, among other things, that the author confused "Dragonslayer" with "Dragon's Lair". I lol'd.
Anyone who has been to Emo's East, formerly known as The Back Room, knows they have arcade games and pool, but it's mostly closed when there isn't a show. That shouldn't count as an arcade, even though the former owner Ronnie Roark was apparently one of the top suppliers of cabinet games to the area during the Golden Era. Any pool hall probably had a few arcade games at the time, too, but that's not the same as being an arcade.
We also learn from the same article of two forgotten arcades: Muthers at 2522 Guadalupe where today there is a Mediterranean food restaurant, and another called Games, Etc. at 1302 S.First that today is the site of an El Mercado restaurant. But the article is mostly about showing us how bad the effects were from the crash at the end of the Golden Era. It was very hard for the early arcades to survive with increasing competition from home game consoles and personal computers, and the proliferation of the games into stores and restaurants.
Forgotten Arcades #5 #6 & #7
Computer Madness - 2414 S. Lamar Blvd.
Electronic Encounters - 1701 W Ben White Blvd (Southwood Mall)
The Outer Limits Amusements Center - 1409 W. Oltorf
March 4, 1982

'Quartermania' stalks South Austin
School officials, parents worried about effects of video games
A fear Is haunting the video game business. "We call it 'quartermania.' That's fear of running out of quarters," said Steve Stackable, co-owner of Computer Madness, a video game and foosball arcade at 2414 S. Lamar Blvd. The "quartermania" fear extends to South Austin households and schools, as well. There it's a fear of students running out of lunch money and classes to play the games. Local school officials and Austin police are monitoring the craze. They're concerned that computer hotspots could become undesirable "hangouts" for students, or that truancy could increase because students (high-school age and younger) will skip school to defend their galaxies against The Tempest.
So far police fears have not been substantiated. Department spokesmen say that although more than half the burglaries in the city are committed by juveniles during the daytime, they know of no connection between the break-ins and kids trying to feed their video habit But school and parental worries about misspent time and money continue. The public outcry in September 1980 against proposals to put electronic game arcades near two South Austin schools helped persuade city officials to reject the applications. One proposed location was near Barton Hills Elementary School. The other was South Ridge Plaza at William Cannon Drive and South First Street across from Bedlchek Junior High School.
Bedichek principal B.G. Henry said he spoke against the arcade because "of the potential attraction it had for our kids. I personally feel kids are so drawn to these things, that It might encourage them to leave the school building and play hookey. Those things have so much compulsion, kids are drawn to them like a magnet Kids can get addicted to them and throw away money, maybe their lunch money. I'm not against the video games. They may be beneficial with eye-hand coordination or even with mathematics, but when you mix the video games during school hours and near school buildings, you might be asking for problems you don't need."
A contingent from nearby Pleasant Hill Elementary School joined Bedichek in the fight back in 1980, although principal Kay Beyer said she received her first formal call about the games last Week from a mother complaining that her child was spending lunch money on them. Beyer added that no truancy problems have been related to video game-playing at a nearby 7-11 store. Allen Poehl, amusement game coordinator for Austin's 7-11 stores, said company policy rules out any game-playing by school-age youth during school hours. Fulmore Junior High principal Bill Armentrout said he is working closely with operators of a nearby 7-1 1 store to make sure their policy is enforced.
The convenience store itself, and not necessarily the video games, is a drawing card for older students and drop-outs, Armentrout said. Porter Junior High principal Marjorie Ball said that while video games aren't a big cause of truancy, "the money (spent on the games) is a big factor." Ball said she has made arrangements with nearby businesses to call the school it students are playing the games during school hours. "My concern is that kids are basically unsupervised, especially at the 24-hour grocery stores. That's a late hour for kids to be out. I would like to see them (games) unplugged at 10 p.m.," adds Joslin Elementary principal Wayne Rider.
Several proprietors of video game hot-spots say they sympathize with the concerns of parents and school officials. No one under 18 is admitted without a parent to Chuck E. Cheese's Pizza Time Theatre at 4211 S. Lamar. That rule, says night manager David Dunagan, "keeps it from being a high school hangout. This is a family place." Jerry Zollar, owner of J.J. Subs in West Wood Shopping Center on Bee Cave Road, rewards the A's on the report cards of Eanes school district students with free video games. "It's kind of a community thing we do in a different way. I've heard from both teachers and parents . . . they thought this was a good idea," said Zollar.
Electronic Encounters in Southwood Mall last year was renovated into a brightly lit arcade. "We're trying to get away from the dark, barroom-type place. We want this to be a place for family entertainment We won't let kids stay here during school hours without a written note from their parents, and we're pretty strict about that," said manager Kelly Roberts. Joyce Houston, who manages The Outer Limits amusements center at 1409 W. Oltorf St. along with her husband, said, "I wouldn't let my children go into some of the arcades I've visited. I'm a concerned parent, too. We wanted a place where the whole family could come and enjoy themselves."

Well you can see which way the tone of all these articles is going. There were some crimes committed at some arcades but all of them tended to have a negative reputation for various reasons. Parents and teachers were very skeptical of the arcades being in the neighborhoods to the point of petitioning the City Government to restrict them. Three arcades are mentioned besides Chuck-E-Cheese. Electronic Encounters in Southwood Mall, The Outer Limits amusements center at 1409 W. Oltorf, and Computer Madness, a "video game and foosball arcade" at 2414 S. Lamar Blvd.
Forgotten Arcade #8
Smitty's Galaxy of Games - Lake Creek Parkway
February 25, 1982

Arcades fighting negative image
Video games have swept across America, and Williamson and Travis counties have not been immune. In a two-part series, Neighbor examines the effects the coin-operated machines have had on suburban and small-town life.
Cities have outlawed them, religious leaders have denounced them and distraught mothers have lost countless children to their voracious appetites. And still they march on, stronger and more numerous than before. A new disease? Maybe. A wave of invading aliens from outer space? On occasion. A new type of addiction? Certainly. The culprit? Video games. Although the electronic game explosion has been mushrooming throughout the nation's urban areas for the past few years, its rippling effects have just recently been felt in the suburban fringes of North Austin and Williamson County.
In the past year, at least seven arcades armed with dozens of neon quarter-snatchers have sprung up to lure teens with thundering noises and thousands of flashing seek-and-destroy commands. Critics say arcades are dens of iniquity where children fall prey to the evils of gambling. But arcade owners say something entirely different. "Everybody fights them (arcades), they think they are a haven for drug addicts. It's just not true," said Larry Grant of Austin, who opened Eagle's Nest Fun and Games on North Austin Avenue in Georgetown last September. "These kids are great" Grant said the gameroom "gives teenagers a place to come. Some only play the games and some only talk.
In Georgetown, if you're from the high school, this is it." He said he's had very few disturbances, and asks "undesirables" to leave. "We've had a couple of rowdies. That's why I don't have any pool tables they tend to attract that type of crowd," Grant said.
Providing a place for teens to congregate was also the reason behind Ron and Carol Smith's decision to open Smitty's Galaxy of Games on Lake Creek Parkway at the entrance to Anderson Mill. "We have three teenage sons, and as soon as the oldest could drive, it became immediately apparent that there was no place to go around here," said Ron, an IBM employee who lives in Spicewood at Balcones. "This prompted us to want to open something." The business, which opened in August, has been a huge success with both parents and youngsters. "Hundreds of parents have come to check out our establishment before allowing their children to come, and what they see is a clean, safe environment managed by adults and parents," Ron said. "We've developed an outstanding rapport with the community." Video arcades "have a reputation that we have to fight," said Carol.
Kathy McCoy of Georgetown, who last October opened Krazy Korner on Willis Street in Leander, agrees. "We've got a real good group of kids," she said. "There's no violence, no nothing. Parents can always find their kids at Krazy Korner."
While all the arcade owners contacted reported that business is healthy, if not necessarily lucrative, it's not as easy for video entrepreneurs to turn a profit as one might imagine. A sizeable investment is required. Ron Smith paid between $2,800 and $5,000 for each of the 30 electronic diversions at his gameroom.
Grant said his average video game grosses about $50 a week, and his "absolute worst" game, Armor Attack, only $20 a week. The top machines (Defender and Pac-Man) can suck in an easy $125 a week. That's a lot of quarters, 500 to be exact but the Eagle's Nest and Krazy Korner pass half of them on to Neelley Vending Company of Austin which rents them their machines. "At 25 cents a shot, it takes an awful lot of people to pay the bills," said Tom Hatfield, district manager for Neelley.
He added that an owner's personality and the arcade's location can make or break the venture. The game parlor must be run "by an understanding person, someone with patience," Hatfield said. "They cannot be too demanding on the kids, yet they can't let them run all over them." And they must be located in a spot "with lots of foot traffic," such as a shopping center or near a good restaurant, he said. "And being close to a school really helps." "Video games are going to be here permanently, but we're going to see some operations not going because of the competition," which includes machines in virtually every convenience store and supermarket, Hatfield said.

This article talks about three arcades. One in Georgetown called Eagles Nest, another in Leander called Krazy Korner, and a third called Smitty's Galaxy of Games on Lake Creek Parkway "on the fringes of North Austin". This is the one I remember the older kids talking about when I was a little kid. There was once a movie theater across the street from the Westwood High School football stadium and behind that was Smitty's. Today I think the building was bulldozed long ago and the space is part of the expanded onramp to 183 today. Eventually another unrelated arcade was built next to the theater that became Alamo Lakeline. It was another site of some unrecorded epic Street Fighter 2 and Mortal Kombat tournaments in the 90s.
But the article written before the end of the Golden Era tell us much about the pushback I was talking about earlier. Early arcades were seen as "dirty" places in some circles, and the owners of the arcades in Williamson County had to stress how "clean" their establishments were. This other article from a couple of weeks later tells of how area school officials weren't worried about video games and tells us more arcades in Round Rock and Cedar Park. Apparently the end of the golden age lasted a bit longer than usual in this area.
At some point in the next few years the bubble burst, and places like Smitty's were gone by the late 80s. But the distributors quoted earlier were right that arcade games weren't going completely away. In the mid 1980s LeFun opened up next in the Scientology building at 2200 Guadalupe on the drag. Down a few doors past what used be a coffee shop and a CVS was Einsteins Arcade. Both of those survived into the 21st century. I remember the last time I was at Einsteins I got my ass beat in Tekken by a kid half my age. heheh
That's all for today. There were no Bonus Pics in the UT archive of arcades (other than the classical architectural definition). I wanted to pass on some Bonus newspaper articles (remember to click and zoom in with the buttons on the right to read) about Austin arcades anyway but first a small story.
I mentioned earlier the secret of the UT Student Union. I have no idea what it looks like now but in the 90s there was a sizable arcade in with the bowling alley in the basement. Back in 1994 when I used to sneak in, they featured this bizarre early attempt at virtual reality games. I found an old Michael Barnes Statesman article about it dated February 11, 1994. Some highlights:

Hundreds of students and curiosity-seekers lined up at the University of Texas Union to play three to five minutes of Dactyl Nightmare, Flying Aces or V-Tol, three-dimensional games from Kramer Entertainment. Nasty weather delayed the unloading of four huge trunks containing the machines, which resemble low pulpits. Still, players waited intently for a chance to shoot down a fighter jet, operate a tilt-wing Harrier or tangle with a pterodactyl. Today, tickets will go on sale in the Texas Union lobby at 11:30 a.m. for playing slots between noon and 6 p.m.
Players, fitted with full helmets, throttles and power packs, stood on shiny gray and yellow platforms surrounded by a circular guard rail. Seen behind the helmet's goggles were computer simulated landscapes, not unlike the most sophisticated video games, with controls and enemies viewed in deep space. "You're on a platform waiting to fight a human figure," said Jeff Vaughn, 19, of Dactyl Nightmare. "A pterodactyl swoops down and tries to pick you up. You have to fight it off. You are in the space and can see your own body and all around you. But if you try to walk, you have to use that joy stick to get around."
"I let the pterodactyl carry me away so I could look down and scan the board," said Tom Bowen of the same game. "That was the way I found out where the other player was." "Yeah, it's cool just to stand there and not do anything," Vaughn said. The mostly young, mostly male crowd included the usual gaming fanatics, looking haggard and tense behind glasses and beards. A smattering of women and children also pressed forward in a line that snaked past the lobby and into the Union's retail shops.
"I don't know why more women don't play. Maybe because the games are so violent," said Jennifer Webb, 24, a psychology major whose poor eyesight kept her from becoming a fighter pilot in real life. "If the Air Force won't take me, virtual reality will." "They use stereo optics moving at something like 60 frames a second," said computer science major Alex Aquila, 19. "The images are still pretty blocky. But once you play it, you'll want to play it again and again." With such demand for virtual reality, some gamesters wondered why an Austin video arcade has not invested in at least one machine.

The gameplay looked like this.
Bonus Article #1 - "Video fans play for own reasons" (Malibu Grand Prix) - March 11, 1982
Bonus Article #2 - "Pac-Man Cartridge Piques Interest" - April 13, 1982
Bonus Article #3 - "Video Games Fail Consumer" - January 29, 1984
Bonus Article #4 - "Nintendoholics/Modems Unite" - January 25, 1989
Bonus Article #5 and pt 2 "Two girls missing for a night found at arcade" (truly dedicated young gamers) - August 7, 2003

Discovering and embracing Satanism is an easier task for some than for others. I just wanted to share a little of my experience for anyone coming from a strict Christian upbringing or even a Christian cult. It's rare that someone is able to escape the clutches of a cult unscathed and then go on to thrive. It's not something that happens overnight and it can involve undoing a lot of ingrained beliefs, going through an identity crisis, losing family or friends, and changing your entire perception of yourself and life. Going through it, I wasn't sure I was going to ever get out. But now, I can really stand back and be amazed at how resilient we can be.
In the 80s, my midwestern parents found themselves in a self-destructive lifestyle, and after attending a church-hosted and horrific dramatization of people being dragged off to hell, they turned to Christianity as the magic cure for their unhappiness in life. When I was born, they were still brand-new born-agains struggling with substance abuse and addiction, but they went all in. And I mean ALL in. They ghosted all their friends, cut ties with every member of my extended family, and made a new family of believers. We were Pentecostal - the 700 club-watching, faith-healing, tongues-speaking, Proctor and Gamble-boycotting variety. If you've ever seen Jesus Camp that was basically my life. I don't remember a lot from those early years, but I've heard stories and have seen family photos to know that I don't want to remember.
As my sister and I got older, they attempted to shelter us from the horrors of the sin-ridden secular world. We were homeschooled with an all-Christian, church-approved curriculum taught by my mother (who had an 8th grade education) while my dad was at work. My textbooks contained and presented as fact the typical hoaxes and flawed analogies that form the basis for Christian science-denial, and I didn’t know any different. We lived in the Bible belt on a small farm, and everyone I knew was at least some form of Christian. There weren't enough non-believers to convert, so we spent most of our time trying to convert the Catholics and Baptists to "real" Christianity. My mom always said Pentecostals came first, Catholics and Baptists came along after and bastardized Christianity. Most of my "classes" were based in homemaking or farm work, and went along nicely with our weekly Wednesday night girl's program, The Missionettes. It was basically girl scouts but focused on Bible memorization and turning us into good Christian wives. We had badges like sewing, knitting, cooking, grooming, ettiquette, abstinence, and first aid. Of course we also had religious badges for communion, prayer, healing, fruits of the spirit, and the armor of god etc. A very well-rounded education.
While my parents went to church and we put on the face like we were living the blessed life, things at home weren't great. The hardest thing growing up was hearing all the adults at church go on and on about how great my parents were and how lucky I was to have such good Christian parents. One day, I remember my dad pulling me aside to tell me there was something wrong with my mom, that I should never make her angry because he wouldn't be able to choose between us. When I was 5, my mom threw a pair of scissors at my dad. They got embedded in his leg and he had to go to the emergency room. When I was around 6, my mom began to threaten my dad in front of us, saying by the time he got home from work, we would be gone. That my sister and I needed to pick who we wanted to live with because by the end of the day, we needed to be packed and ready to leave. My mom was a big fan of belts and the wooden spoon, and she never spared the rod. I have had many objects broken on me. When she would make us bend over, I would try to look back and apologize, to ask what I had done wrong, or what i could do to fix it, but anything other than complete eyes-foward submission was viewed as rebellion and only added to the count. She told me once in a joking manner that when I was in trouble, all I would say was "I want to hold you" to try to get out of punishment. She laughed. When I was 7, my mom told us that Satan told her to kill us with a potato peeler, and that she was going to kill us, my dad, and then herself. But “luckily” god "saved" us! After that, I remember my sister and I used to hide in our closet and pray to god to turn us into farm animals. Horses, dogs, chickens, anything, so we could run away and be free. We didn't even want to be human anymore. By the time I was 12, suicidal ideation set in and never really let go. Satan didn't scare me anymore. My mom did. Hell was real and I was living in it.
When I was 13, my mom found a pencil in a parking lot from a local high school and determined that it was a sign from god that we should be enrolled in public school. I was terrified. These people weren't anything like me, they were all lost sinners and it was my job to be the shining light in the midst of darkness, to teach them the way. However, it turned out, I was the one who did most of the learning. I was exposed to more math and science in high school than I had been in my entire life. I learned about other cultures and history. I actually made some friends and got to see how other people live for the first time in my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing, at that high school even touched the evil I experienced at home. There were days I didn’t want to go home. I never missed a day of school if I could help it.
The things I had believed started to not make sense in my mind anymore. It took several years for me to put all the pieces together, but the final straw was actually reading the Bible entirely from cover to cover for the first time, rather than just the “reading plan” i was given. I learned when the gospels were actually written, who possibly wrote them and why. I started reading about as many different religions as I could and started realizing the similarties of them all. I had a good friend at the time who wasn't afraid to challenge every religious and political position I had, and realized that I didn't even know why I believed what I did, only that I was told to believe it and always had. I began to reexamine everything I believed, no matter how trivial or obvious. It became clear to me that more than anything, I just wanted more out of life than I was given.
Originally, I wasn't going to go to college. We didn't have enough money, no one in my family had ever gone to college, and my parents had just assumed that I'd end up being a pastor's wife who played the piano for church services. But on the advice of an advisor, I applied to and auditioned for a music program, and I got in. I was finally getting out. But not before my mom could have the final word. When my parents found out I had been talking to a boy at school and that I liked him, she called me "the whore" for a month. One day, I had the flu and missed school for a few days. My boyfriend asked if he could bring over a can of soup and the homework I had missed. My parents agreed, and when he came in, he sat on the end of my bed (the door was wide open and I was under a ton of blankets) to ask how I was doing. My mom walked by and screeched at the top of her lungs that he needed to get the fuck out of my room and out of her house. That we weren't allowed to be in the same room without supervision. I had basically learned that sticking up for myself was useless, but I would stick up for him. He hadn't done anything wrong. I got out of bed and got up into her face and called her a psychotic bitch. She demanded that my dad throw me out. I looked at him and he looked at me and I will never forget what he said. "I told you not to make her angry because I can't choose between you. This is her house. You have to leave."
So I left. I slept in my car that night and eventually stayed with my boyfriend's family until my aunt (who my parent's ghosted) heard what happened. She took me in for several months until I could make enough money working a few part-time jobs to afford a small apartment. I completely left the church after that. I did visit a few others and even worked as a choir director at a non-denomination church for a while as a side gig, but it just wasn't the same. The veil had been lifted.
Out of the dozens of families who knew me, who watched me grow up and spent time with my family (some who even knew what was going on at home), none of them attempted to contact me. Out of all of my church friends, I am still in contact with only one, who left around the same time I did. When people say leaving a cult is like commiting social suicide, they aren't exaggerating. I was completely cut off.
If you asked my parents today, they would tell you that around 18, I gave into doubt and fell from grace. That the friends I made outside of church brainwashed me. That going to college was the nail in the coffin of my salvation. They'd tell you that by the time I turned 18, I was lost. But I was never lost. Not really. They’d never tell you that I always got in trouble for constantly questioning things. When I was eight, I wrote on the back of an offering envelope “If god created us, who created god?” and left it on a church pew for one of the elders to find (and subsequently got a beating for it). They’d never tell you that at ten, I got into an argument with the children’s pastor for saying men were superior to women because they were created first. They’d never tell you that as a Missionette, I got caught skipping sewing class to crash the Royal Rangers’ (all boys group) flag football games and outdoor events. And they’d certainly never tell you that I was eventually replaced as the president of a bible study group at school for focusing on the less-read and more appalling stories in the Bible, telling people that the gospels weren’t actually written by eye-witnesses, and encouraging people to actually read and think for themselves.
Discovering Satanism was actually one of the biggest steps in trauma recovery for me. To realize that all of my actions and behaviors were based in natural human needs and emotions that aren't at all sinful. That my learned helplessness was a direct result of my upbringing and I didn't need it anymore. That I had control of my life now. That I'm resilient and capable of going through a fire and coming out on the other end, and that I don't have to forgive anyone for anything. That the only person I can rely on is myself.
Here I am on the other side of it all, through many twists and turns. I'm the first of my family to graduate high school, go to college, or go to graduate school. I'm now a professional scientist working on Alzheimer disease research and a keyboardist in a working band. I'm active in my community both in local politics and through volunteer work. Things are far from perfect. I still struggle with old emotions, behaviors and thought patterns. It’s taken many rituals and even daily effort sometimes, but I've achieved a level of happiness and fulfillment in life I never thought possible.
——————
There is no heaven of glory bright, and no hell where sinners roast. Here and now is our day of torment! Here and now is our day of joy! Here and now is our opportunity! Choose ye this day, this hour, for no redeemer liveth! Say unto thine own heart, "I am my own redeemer." Stop the way of them that would persecute you. Let those who devise thine undoing be hurled back to confusion and infamy. Let them be as chaff before the cyclone and after they have fallen rejoice in thine own salvation. Then all thy bones shall say pridefully, "Who is like unto me? Have I not been too strong for mine adversaries? Have I not delivered MYSELF by mine own brain and body?"
The Book of Satan - Anton Szandor LaVey

Hey guys, it’s Coooolin! It’s Throwback Thursday, and 2 more days til the weekend!! How was everyone’s day!? Gooodd ? Baadd? Let me know, dooown beloow !!
Here’s the new cards today, thanks as always EA!

Silver Master Icons

MARTIN ST. LOUIS - 91 OVR - TBL / RW - BAR² , WH²
Billy Smith - 91 OVR - NYI / G - 5’10” / 185 lbs - SWA² , DIS²
*Brendan Shanahan - 91 OVR - DET / LW - H and S² , SH²

Sets

All these guys to upgrade to their 91 OVR cost their specific 86 OVR card , plus 9 Icon Collectables.
9 ICONS TO UPGRADE - short said .
—-

Primetimes

NHL

(Flooded with a team that beat the sens... lets not talk about that game..)
Will Update wanting to pump this out with Silver Master Icons
Elias Petterson - 89 OVR - VAN / C - GLA¹ , PP¹
Matt Duchene - 87 OVR - NAS / C - LTL¹ , MAG¹
Thatcher Demko - 86 OVR - VAN / G - 6’4” / 192 lbs - SPA¹ , BAL¹
JIMMY Howard - 85 OVR - DET / G - 6’1” / 218 lbs - SWA¹ , DIS¹
Nick Cousins - 82 OVR - NAS / C - SPE¹ , WH¹
Jordie Benn - 81 OVR - VAN / LD - SH¹ , PP¹
Jay Beagle - 81 OVR - VAN / C - LTL¹ , GLA¹
Kevin Lankinen - 80 OVR - CHI / G - 6’2” / 185 lbs - BAR¹ , SWA¹
Tyler Motte - 80 OVR - VAN / C - SPA¹ , WM¹
Jarred Tindroi - 77 OVR - NAS / LD - DIS¹ , WH¹

Other Leagues

Zachary L’Heureux - 83 OVR - HAL / C -
Aleksi Klemetti - 77 OVR - KAL / LW -
• • • • • • • • • • - - - - - - - - - • • • • • • • • • • • •

Packs Available

Quantity - 1,736
Double PT PACK - 37.5k C / 750 P
13 items, at least 5 Players with 2 guaranteed Primetime Players.
— From previous day —
23H / 40M
• Jumbo Premium Players Pack - 45k C / 900 P
20 items , all Gold Players, at least 5 80+ OVR Players
• Mega Pack - 37.5k C / 750 P
30 items, at least 15 Gold Players, and 4 80+ OVR Players
• Jumbo Premium Pack - 15k C / 300 P
20 items, at least 9 Players with at least 4 Gold Players

P.S.

• Squad Battles Rewards
• New Season of HUT RUSH — 3M POINTS FOR FREE ICON COLLECT

HOCKEY NEWS TODAY

• Hockey History Today
• Winnipeg Jets back in runnin
Fantasy Hockey Pickups
Who should be on your team?

STOCK MARKET NEWS - WHAT JUST HAPPENED

• Gamestop See-Saw
• Disney Rising from its tumbled down
Corona News
• Corona News Today
• Ontario Reports Fewest Deaths

BELL LETS TALK DAY

• Bell Lets Talk
• Bublé is in on BLTK (Bell Lets Talk Day)
That’s the most important stuff I found today!
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What’s to Come?

• New Event Tomorrow - 5pm EST
• Weekend!!
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Summary of the day

Quick Read
Best Forward of the Day - PT - is ELLLIIAAASS PETEERSSONN OVR 89 with the syn GLAAADDIIATOORR and PASSSINN PLAYYMAKERRR
Best Defence of the Day - PT - is JOORRDIIEE BEENNNNN OVR *81 with the syn SHUUTT DOWNN and PASSSINN PLAYYMAKERRR
• Squad Battles Rewards!!
• New Season of HUT RUSH!
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Important Notice

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day. Today is a day where Mental Health is in full action and everyone talks about it. You can help Bell Lets Talk Day gain money for Mental Health by; tweeeting #BellLetsTalk , Snapping friends with the Bell Lets Talk Day filter, sharing / liking / commenting their post on Facebook...and many other ways, as well as the obvious - simply donating.
Mental Health is HUGE especially with everything going on in the world.
Please know you are loved, cared for, and that your someones reason to smile, and wake up. You are a blessing to this world, put here for a reason. You are so strong, capable of anything you put your mind to. I know I am just some stranger on the Internet that does these “Daily Posts” but I am here for anyone in need of just talking about their problems, venting away, or just someone to talk to.
Bell Let’s Talk Day is one of my favourite / least favourite days because I personally love talking about Mental Health.... but I personally believe that it should be a week, or a month.. or just seriously for more people to talk about it on a daily basis.
Let’s end this stigma around Mental Health.
You can make a huge difference to someone’s life. Simply just be nice to one another, smile, and just say “I appreciate you” or some nice positive thing like that.
You recieve what you give away... karma goes a long, long ways.
I hope your 2021 and years to come are full of love, happiness, kindness, laughs, blessings, and success.
You deserve what you give to people. So if you give hate —- I’m sorry, but you’ll recieve that..
Love you all, I’m very appreciated of everyone who likes these posts, and strives me to keep posting. Its so much fun!!
My PM / Chat is open to anyone !! Don’t be afraid . We’re all in this together!!!
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Interested in Stocks?

EA’s Stock Price, after hours - Jan 28
$ 143.01 (usd) —- Currency Converter
we looked at the stock at $137.54 usd
—— That is a difference of ( $5.47 / 3.98% ) —
Disclaimer - I am not a financial advisor. It is your money, please do your own due diligence. I am not responsible for your money. This is *not** advice. I added this section for an added educational purposes only. YOUR CAPITAL IS AT RISK. Happy Investing.*
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NEED A SOUNDTRACK TO LISTEN TO?

• I made this for everyone. I’ll update it whenever I feel like it, but its been often!

TONS OF PEOPLE SEEM TO LOVE THE PLAYLIST!! How are you not listening to it already!?
Comment songs to add, and please give feedback! It’s much appreciated!!
I currently have “Skin” by “Sabrina Carpenter” stuck in my head.... which you can play, recently added to the playlist!
Sidenote - How do you guys like the playlist!? I have a friend who makes music...and I really want to surprise him with some new people listening to his music... if you wanna help me, please click Here!! it would mean a lot to me!!
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Sites To Bookmark!

If you click here you will be redirected to bilasport. Bilasport is the best Online Streaming site for your entertainment needs for all sports! (Not affiliated)
A great streaming source recommended by NHLStreams is SurgeSport. Click on Hockey and you’ll be good to go!
Want to make your dream team, and show others what you’ve been working on, and much more? I will redirect you HERE!.
Here’s a helpful pack guide for you! Click!
Want to know how the market is holding up? With a simple TAP! you will be on the newly fresh made website for the HUT market, made by one of the guys on the sub!
.... what do the stats on a card mean? Is my card I want / pulled good? Click here to find out!!
When is my favourite team playing? When do they play!? Here you can click on this link, and tap on your favourite team. From there, tap “Schedule” . You can add this to your homescreen on iPhone by clicking the square with the upwards arrow, scrolling down, and tapping “Add to Home Screen”
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Fighting a Gambling Addiction?

Don’t feel scared to click here. Winning is SO much louder than losing. Know that you are NEVER alone. We are all here for eachother, and it is never too late to get help. I am here for you.
This is a VERY important thread, especially if you are new to HUT. Here!

Story Time!!!

“Happiness” - By Anonymous Person
Then I stopped to think, if helping a little kitten could make me smile, maybe doing something for people could make me happy.
So the next day I baked some biscuits and took them to a neighbour who was sick in bed.
Every day I try and do something nice for someone. It made me so happy to see them happy.
Today, I don’t know of anybody who sleeps and eats better than I do. I’ve found happiness by giving it to others.
When she heard that, the rich lady cried. She had everything money could buy, but she had lost the things money cannot buy.
The beauty of life does not depend on how happy you are; but on how happy others can be because of you.
Happiness is not a destination, its a journey. Happiness is not tomorrow, it is now. Happiness is not dependancy, it is a decision. Happiness is what you are, not what you have!
P.S. - Hope you have a happy fun filled day
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28 / 365
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Thanks for reading.
I’m always welcome to feedback, please let me know what I can improve on.
If there’s anything missing, please let me know!
Take care, happy gaming! TODAY IS BELL LETS TALK DAY!!
• Coolin Killin It
(Life is like a puzzle, you just have to find the right piece.)

Ever since the game was announced to have a Switch port coming soon, many who have previously never heard of Genshin Impact grew intrigued. The open world in particular peaked the interest of many, especially after comparisons to Breath of the Wild were drawn. In anticipation of the port, I’d like to give a brief rundown on what the game is, and how aspects of it work. While the game is free, so there is no harm in trying it out, I’m hoping this post will serve as a guide for anyone on the fence about giving it a shot.
​
What exactly is Genshin Impact?
Genshin Impact is a fantasy open world action RPG from Chinese developer studio miHoYo, responsible for a couple prior games, notably mobile game Honkai Impact 3rd. Though they aren’t strangers to games, Genshin Impact is their latest, and by far most successful title yet.
The game is set on the continent of Teyvat, a vast, completely open world consisting of 7 nations associated with a different element, and a god-like figure of said element. You play the role of a traveler from a far away world, sealed in Teyvat following a confrontation with a powerful entity who separates you from your sibling. Your main driving goal is to reunite with said lost sibling. On your journey you are accompanied by a strange floating fairy thing which accompanies you and serves as both a guide as well as a quirky sidekick.
Important thing to note at this point is that the game is not currently finished. Genshin Impact is a live service game, receiving continuous content, story, and event updates every 6 weeks. At the current point, with everything there is to do at the moment, the story is less than a quarter of the way finished. The story is expected to develop over time via game updates. Currently, only 2 of the 7 regions are available to explore. As this implies, Genshin Impact isn’t the type of game you blast through in a week. It’s a long term commitment.
​
What is the gameplay?
Being an open world game, a big emphasis on exploration is present in the game. Several markers exist within the world that encourage travelling across the world to discover them all and have constant access to the entire world by warping to these markers. Materials from the world itself are everywhere, and are actually critical in the upgrading and improving of of your party members. In this regard, running around gathering any harvestable materials you see is highly rewarded. The world itself is vast, full of everything ranging from sheer cliffs, to dense forests, snowy mountains, beaches, and plains.
Domains, which are basically this game’s version of dungeons, are present, only unlike BOTW, they are almost entirely combat trial based, either having you defeat a certain amount of enemies, of defeat all enemies within a set amount of time, usually with sort of restriction or challenge aspect to them. Completion of these domains rewards loot such as weapons and artifacts (equippable items to make your party members stronger), which you can either use to improve your team, or upgrade your existing weapons/artifacts by infusing them into them. World bosses also exist in addition to regular enemies, which drop special materials required for upgrading your characters, Safe to say, you’ll be fighting these world bosses a lot.
​
What About the Combat?
Combat in this game is very much team focused. Don’t expect to have success by relying on one overpowered party member destroying everything. You have 4 party member slots, and each character in the game has a unique element associated with them. Those being Pyro (fire), Hydro (Water), Cryo (ice), Geo (earth), Anemo (wind), Electro (electricity), and Dendro (nature/plants, no current playable character has this element). Switching in and out between party members in battle to cause elemental reactions of the various elements is a huge part of the game’s combat, and thus a balanced team composition of characters of varying elements is encouraged to maximize damage potential. This might sound a little confusing, but in practice it becomes much clearer. In addition, the combat isn’t turn-based. Everything happens in real time, so you’ll need to rely on quick thinking and maneuvers in combat.
Every playable character in Genshin Impact has unique attributes and skills that set them apart from the rest, all with varying playstyles and roles. This means you have lots of freedom in terms of how you set up your party based on how you like to play or what role you want someone to fill. There are four different weapon types as well, being swords, bows, polearms, claymores, and catalysts (basically ranged magic), further increasing potential avenues for teambuilding.
Now while all this may seem like a lot of work and things to keep in mind, it’s important to remember that...
​
Genshin Impact is a PVE Game
You can play co-op with your friends and explore and beat dungeons together, but there is no PVP in this game at all. None. This, in essence, means there is little pressure to actually grind and make your team as good as it can possibly be. Genshin Impact isn’t a particularly difficult game. If you want, you can play with your favorites only and you’ll do fine. There’s no need to stress about using the very best characters with the very best equipped artifacts or the very best weapon. This much freedom in how you chose to build your party, and no pressure to compete in some sort of meta ultimately results in a refreshingly laid back experience, allowing one to truly experiment and see what style fits them best, at least for me.
​
Unfortunately, I’d be hard pressed to not mention Genshin Impact’s big catch. I’ve been painting it in a pretty positive light thus far, but now comes the time where I talk about the thing that will unfortunately put many people off of this game.
​
If Genshin Impact is free, how is it monetized?
Put bluntly, Genshin Impact uses a gacha monetization system. For those unfamiliar, gacha is a system where resources are spent on random items in a store. If it sounds like I’m describing a lootbox, it’s because I am.
Assuming you start playing right now, you’re only going to get access to 5 playable characters. You, 3 other party members to start you off, and another one you get by completing a challenge. Every other character in the game, of which there are 20 and counting, are only available via “wishes.” Wishes are the lootboxes. They take an ingame form of currency known as “primogems” which are trickle fed to the player via completing tasks in game, and in special events. They also just so happen to be in the store, purchasable with real money. Unlockable characters are categorized into 4 stars and 5 stars. 4 stars you can expect to obtain roughly every 10 wishes. 5 stars are much more rare, with less than a 1% chance to get one until you hit 75 wishes, in which case your odds increase until you roll one. Keep in mind, you have absolutely no control over what you get when you wish. This system exists for 4 and 5 star weapons as well, with the same system.
It’s gambling. Plain and simple. Please, do not play this game if you have an addictive personality and are the type to impulsively spend large amounts of money on games like this.
The other notable form of monetization is the resin system. Resin is essentially energy. Many things in this game cost resin to complete, such as domains and bosses. And given that domains and bosses drop essential materials for improving your team, you’ll be doing them very often. Resin regenerates over time, or is able to be purchased via the game’s aforementioned premium currency, primogems. As you can probably guess, the game artificially limits what you can do every day in order to keep you consistently playing day by day, in an attempt to get you addicted to the point where you’re more comfortable spending real money. Such is the sad reality of many games, and Genshin is not immune to these monetization tactics. The sliver lining is that money only accelerates the process or ensures you can get a character or weapon you want from a lootbox. As I mentioned, you get the premium currency just by playing the game, only they are very stingy with it.
​
TL;DR
If you go into Genshin Impact expecting a game that provides a story you can blast through in a week, and gameplay that respect’s the player’s time, you will be disappointed. However, if you can accept the free-to-play monetization tactics, are intrigued by the battle and exploration systems I’ve described, and just want the type of game you can play for about an hour every day, give it a shot. It’s free, so it couldn’t hurt.
I hope this post helped anyone with any doubts or concerns. I have over 100 hours into the game myself, so you have any questions, I’ll be happy to try and answer them!

This is going to be a really long post, so read it at your pace. I'll try my best to make it worthwhile but I ain't much of a good writer.
​
Genshin Impact has been released since 28th of September and so far the game has received a lot of mixed reactions from the players and most of them not being good ones. Let's dig into them. So this is a criticism/feedback/bitching/complaining post or whatever you like to call it.
​
First of all What is Genshin Impact?
This is something even the game itself doesn't know and is what's confused most of the people around and is what created the first problem. Genshin has severe identity crisis. It's a JRPG? It's a Mobile gacha game? It's a AAA title aimed for all?
The game tried to find something in between all this and created the mess we see today.
You see people trying to defend the game by saying "This is a Gacha game. This is how it works. This is how it's been for years." Now all these things are complete BS.
Genshin isn't and was never intended to be your typical mobile gacha. It tried to appeal to the mainstream audience. The instant Genshin was being developed for PC, Switch and PS4 it rose above your typical Gacha game. It wanted to cater to the mainstream crowd. Now this creates the very big problem that is the difference between Mainstream gamers like PC, PS4, Switch and Gacha Addict mobile market. While gacha addicted mobile gamers are used to being fcked over by shitty practices by those companies, the mainstream crowd is different. Some of them are completely new to the gacha system. Just accept the fact that gacha is a very bad monetization model, some games have implemented it in a nicer way which actually isn't bad, but Genshin monetization is just straight up ridiculous.
Genshin was promoted as JRPG from the very beginning instead of being your usual gacha mobile game. This is where most of the mainstream players expectations shattered. Things like being limited by stamina system for play is a norm practice in mobile games(Not all games do this but most of them do) BUT it's not in the mainstream market and this is something which is not acceptable when you go for broader market. You can't just expect them to conform to your shitty stamina system and be all happy happy. You're gonna get backlash.
​
Resin(this absolute piece of shit item in Genshin)
Resin system is just ridiculous. While being already bad in the first place, it's way worse compared to even the stamina system of other mobile gacha games. Almost 95% of the stuff you do in the game is locked behind resin system. You wanna farm Mora? go spend resin, you wanna farm exp? go spend resin, you wanna farm artifacts? go spend resin, you wanna farm upgrade materials? go spend resin. What's even more ridiculous is the amount you need per dungeons, bosses and the amount you get.
​
Resin is capped at 120. So you can run hypostasis 3 times and poof it's gone. Once you get to higher level even running hypostasis 3 times doesn't give you enough material to level up your character. The regen rate is also crap 1 resin per 8 minutes.
​
This doesn't stop here. One of the shittiest thing in the game is the weekly bosses.
YOU CAN FCKING FIGHT IT ONCE A WEEK AND IT'S STILL WALLED BEHIND RESIN. Can you see double the bs here. On top of being only available once a week you still need to spend 60 Resin just to collect rewards. The sheer amount of bs is ridiculous.
​
Let's talk Experience
To raise your character. The very first laughable thing is that beating monsters of lv60 gives you 14-15 Character exp. I mean why even have it in the first place. This is just shitty on the face of people. You need to fight monsters for months then maybe you can raise one Level of your character. The sheer amount of stupidness that fighting monsters doesn't give you Exp is just wow. You get most of the exp from those Exp Books(Adventurer's exp, Hero's Wit). And guess what you need to spend resin to get those. And what's another fcked up thing is that one run costs 20 resin and doesn't even give you enough to level up even 1 level. Yes you can get it from chests and quests but you'll run out way too soon once you reach higher levels.
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Money walks in now which is Mora.
You need iirc 60000 Mora just to ascend a character and a lv35 Leyline gives you 44000. The amount of Mora you need to upgrade gears and characters is once again another very bad thing. You can spend few days farming 1 Million Mora and guess what it'll be gone in a poof once you get upgrade 3-4 artifacts(which you'll get fcked along the way. We'll get to that). Everything in the game needs mora be it levelling up character, talents, artifacts, weapons. The amount needed is 100x more than what you are earning. You'll always be short on this.
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Comes in the Artifact now
You have greater chance of winning a lottery ticket than rolling good stats on the artifacts. The amount of RNG implemented on Artifacts is baffling.
First you need a good main stat(Pray to RNG), then you good secondary stats. Did you know these are also assigned via RNG. Then once you upgrade the artifact additional stats are assigned based on RNG. Once you keep upgrading the artifacts existing sub stats are upgraded(based on RNG) and more new Sub stats are assigned(Based on RNG) which are further upgraded(based on RNG). Those are whole 6-7 layers of RNG to get a good Artifact. So yeah you're better off praying of being able to kamehameha than getting a good Artifact.
You can say that no problem I'm a hardcore grinder I'll farm them till I get them. But then Resin comes and grabs your a$$ and puts you in place.
Oh did you also know that Artifact drops are RNG!? Also Domains drops multiple type of artifacts you on top praying to get a good artifact main stat, first you need to pray to get the artifact at all. And you need to do this with 6 runs per day ONLY IF YOU GRIND SINGLE DOMAIN AND NEGLECT EVERYTHING ELSE.
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Now Don't ya worry because in comes the weapons upgrade materials
Weapon ascension materials are dropped from different domains and you need 20 resin per run and need to do multiple runs to get enough material to ascend your weapon.
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Talent Books have joined the Chat
You thought it was over, but it was I the talent books. Yet another piece of upgrade material which drops from yet different type of domains that require resin. Higher levels require 9 per talent level to upgrade and the domain drops 1 per run.
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Now what's the center of all the problems mentioned above? IT'S RESIN!
This single piece of item limits everything you can do in the game. The only thing you can do in this game without resin is just farming chests which(don't even get me started on this) are just another piece of shit in the game. Chest rewards are very very underwhelming. It's isn't worth farming them except for that Adventure Exp. Have you ever played a Open world RPG which limits 95% of the content behind such a system? This is one of the biggest bs in the game.
So yeah what's the game at higher levels? You login -> burn resin in 10 minutes -> you get trash -> you curse -> you logout -> rinse and repeat. Basically you're a trash collector.
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Congratulations you've made it so far. Now that the resin is done we look at another horrendous aspect of the game that is Monetization and Gacha.
Now for all those white knights out there just accept the fact that the gacha rate is horrendous. 0.6% to get a 5 star character is way too low. As the CN guy said it's just double the rate of a glass blowing up.
Gacha has been for around quite a while. There are examples of good and bad gachas all around. BUT GENSHIN FALLS INTO THE WORST ONE.
You have 0.6 rate to get a 5 star character which is basically non existent and you get pity at 90 pulls. Here's comes another scummy part. At 90 pulls you have 50% chance to get the UP characters. See this bs. It's actually a pity but not a pity. You can pull 90 times but are still reliant on RNG to get you the desired character. Real pity comes at 180 Pulls which is just straight up ridiculous. 180 pulls are 32000 primogems and converting them to real life money that's a whopping $400 just one Freaking 5 star character. That's like whole month worth of food.
and Congrats if you got the 5 star character cuz that's not his full potential. You need another 6 of him to max him. So in worst case you're looking at $2400 just to max out one 5 star character. Holy flames this shit.
4 star rate is also so low that you rarely get them out of 10 pull pity which is just another scummy practice.
Cost for primogems is yet another crappy practice to greed money. $100 gives you 8800 primogems which are about 55 pulls. This is not even enough to hit that initial pity of 90 pulls let alone that 180 one.
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Monthly Pass and Battle Pass
Another two methods of monetization that the game uses. These two are absolutely worthless. Now you may say that Monthly Pass is actually really good value. You can get 3000 Primogems for $5 which is a steal. and Yes it could have been good had the rates been decent.
Just look at what 3000 primogems net you. A 4 star character you don't want? A useless 4 star weapon? or will you hold out on to hope that it will give you a 5 star character? Even after spending money you are still reliant on that small chance to get something good.
Battle Pass. Oh don't get me started on this piece of crap. It's the single worst BP I've seen during my whole gaming life. From those ridiculous requirements which force you spend primogems to refresh resin to the locking of weekly Exp, this is just accumulation of every single crap lying around. Not even worth a shit.
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Achievements
This doesn't fall under Monetization but is another bs aspect of the game that I'd like to discuss. Achievements spit in the face of the player. Collecting 100 chests gives you 10 primogems. and what's that number? That's 1/16 the amount you need for one damn pull. Even if we count the primogems you get from those 100 chests it nets you 200(2 from each) + 10 = 210 primogems which doesn't even amount to two pulls. I feel like this system is there just to mock the player.
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Hats of to you. You've made it this far. Next we move on to other aspects.
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COMMUNITY
First of all I'm very happy that people are shitting on these crappy practices and voicing their opinions. There's definitely no need to accept these types of things. Once you accept this, they'll go even lower next time.
Along with this I'm baffled at the people still trying to defend such scummy tactics. Take a look at these posts
https://www.reddit.com/Genshin_Impact/comments/j799kw/i_will_say_my_biggest_tip_to_enjoy_the_game_and/
https://www.reddit.com/Genshin_Impact/comments/j7atw9/my_take_on_the_negative_reviews_as_a_long_time/
I won't go into any of them. Feel free to look at them yourselves.
CN players are not happy and they're bashing the game everywhere and trying to make sure their voice is heard. This is what we also need to do. Some people say that "It's a Chinese Company. It won't matter whether you bitch here". This is 100% bs. This is not just a chinese game. It's released worldwide for everybody to play. They have people everywhere looking at stuff. So voice you complaints wherever you want official discord, forums, reddit, twitter, youtube, in game feedback.
Keep in mind if you don't speak at all nothing will ever change. Once they receive enough backlash from their playerbase things will get better. The community definitely has the power to change things,
Youtube channels
To be honest I was hoping for those youtube channels would bring up some of those concerns of the community but nope. Every single one of them is dripping wet for Genshin and just screaming into the mics.
"5 AWESOME TIPS FOR GENSHIN". "5 INSANE TIPS FOR GENSHIN". "5 SUPER DUPER INSANE TIPS FOR GENSHIN". "5 TIPS FOR GENSHIN TO LEVEL UP AND GET THAT HOT MILF IN YOUR AREA".
I don't mean to criticize those channels, they may create content they want, but a good chunk of community watches those channels so bringing issues with the game will definitely help.
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"This is a Gacha Game. This is how it's supposed to be. If you don't like it quit it. You aren't enjoying the game" ---- Genshin Impact Whiteknights
First of all I have absolutely no need to hear from someone how to enjoy my game so yeah get the hell outta here with this advice.
And for all you sorry a$$ mobile gacha gaming gambling addicts out there get it through your thick skulls of yours that GENSHIN IS NOT A MOBILE GACHA GAME.
This is something even the game tries to achieve but fails very hard to do so. It wanted to be something more than your typical gacha game but in the end it's own system doomed it.
From the start Genshin is being marketed as OPEN WORLD JRPG rather than a gacha game. It also has every aspect of open world rpgs cuz that's what the game is. It is also a game that it playable on PC and console rather than mobile. 90% of the mobiles don't even run the game good. The moment Genshin touched the PC, Switch and PS4 platforms it needed to shed the skin of mobile gacha gaming concepts.
Currently the Genshin Impact for high level player is login -> burn resin in 10-15 minutes -> logout.
This is how you play Mobile Gacha games. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY PC, PS4 OR FOR THAT MATTER MAINSTREAM GAMES. This part is limited to mobile gaming. It has absolutely no place in the mainstream market cuz most of the time people play for longer hours on these systems.
Genshin is not a game that you'll play waiting at a bus stop for 5-10 minutes or waiting for your friend at the cafe. The game wants you to play it like a full RPG. and in here comes the point where the game contradicts itself.
It wants you play the game but limits it greatly or just 99% behind a stamina system.
See the absolute madness in this? This is where the greed comes in. It's where they sell Resin refills. Look at the $20 BP with extra resin, look at weekly packs in the shop selling resin. The sheer ridiculousness of the game selling you stamina just to play the game. For people waiting for the feature to pet the dogs, just hope that it doesn't cost you 20 resin to do so or they are only pettable once a week.
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Even as a gacha game Genshin Impact is a big disappointment
This is coming from my experience as a gacha gamer. The game is literal crap when compared to other gacha games. You've got examples of great gacha games like Azur Lane around(I'm saying comparatively better, not that other ones don't have problems) but still it choose to go with worst ones.
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I have nothing expect gratitude for you for reading this so far. Next we move on to the final segment that is the Company Itself.
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Mihoyo
The final boss of all is Mihoyo itself and they themselves have been really scummy and shitty.
So far they have been completely turning a blind eye and not listening to the people at all. Starting from the very first CBT to the OBT they have received constant feedback but have completely neglected the main parts which include resin and monetization. Now keep in mind that Mihoyo is not a new company. They have been in the market for years. Their other mobile game Honkai Impact 3 is very big in CN and also quite popular in global too. Throughout constant feedback from players and being in market they have learned what's good and what's bad.
And the shittiest thing is that they choose to completely ignore it and push there scummy tactics. Let's see some of them....
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The first and very obvious one being the gacha and monetization. Monetization was available during the CBT3 on CN server. It received quite a feedback due to rates being so low. But they still didn't change a thing. They just rolled it exactly the same way meaning they didn't pay any heed to the feedback regarding the monetization. They know about gacha and what's good and bad about it but still purposely chose to go with the shittiest kind of gacha.
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Unskippable Cutscenes. Let's just accept it that the only reason the cutscenes are unskippable is because they want to prevent people from rerolling accounts. Though it didn't prevent them but it was their intention. That's why they even went as far as banning accounts who pulled 5 star but had no activity for 24 hours or so but didn't even touch those accounts that only had 4 stars. Criticism threads on the official forums are being deleted. Just another scummy tactic.
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There have been constant bashing on CN forums since 15th, taptap score is 4.7 and on other forums too. Yet they still haven't considered any of them and are just ignoring their playerbase completely.
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What's Mihoyo trying to do?
At this point it's either two possibilities one that either they didn't research enough into the mainstream audience or it's just deliberate. And the chance of it being the former is let's say 0.6
It seems like rather than catering to what the mainstream playerbase expects, Mihoyo is trying to lure them into the shady and absolute bs world of Mobile Gacha gaming. This is what garnered so much hate from the mainstream audience. While the gacha gaming addicts are used to being fcked over by these scummy tactics all year around, this is not the case with others. Some of them are even completely new to the terms like Gacha. And just accept the fact that Gacha is a horrendous system of monetization. Like Gigguk said "Who said gacha is like drugs. Drugs are way cheaper." To any sane person this model of monetization is absolute bs and it is. Even among this Monetization Genshin goes for the worst one their is. So yeah expecting a whole different player crowd to shut up and just fall into crappy and scummy practices is not gonna work and is definitely gonna blow up in your face.
And I hope that people continue to bash such systems cuz if such kind of system is accepted it will shift many other aspects to the shittier side and thing will continue to get worse. This is the reason why mobile gacha gaming is so bad. The devs pushed poorer rates and people just sat there and accepted it blowing thousands on such practices. This is the reason why something like 0.6% chance to get a 5 star character exists. It's derived from the Mobile Gacha Gaming.
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What's all these complaining posts? Why don't you just enjoy the game?
FCKING STOP PROTECTING/WHITE KNIGHTING THESE SCUMMY PRACTICES. First of all get it through your thick skulls that the who are doing the so called "complaining" are doing it because they love the game and WANT IT TO BE BETTER. They aren't doing it out of spite or anything.
You can dismiss a few troll threads when a user is hating without a reason anywhere. But know that when multiple people are complaining about one thing it means there is something wrong with that. People are making long posts giving proper reasons as to why something is bad and giving a reply like "This is how it is. Quit if you don't like it." is a rotten and crappy mindset.
The reason people are taking their time to write of such lengthy posts is because they genuinely love the game and want it to be better and more awesome. That's why something called "FEEDBACK" exists in this world. As it stands the game is just heading to its doom and the people trying to prevent it are the ones who care about it. People giving crappy answers are contributing nothing to it.
And let me ask this question why do you have to fcking head crash into people who care? Is it bad that the game gets better and everybody enjoys it rather than your sorry a$$ of a gacha gambling addict.
A fact is that if things get better these so called white knights will be jumping in joy too. BUT THERE IS ONE VERY BIG DIFFERENCE. They will call it like "Wow! mihoyo is so generous. They're the best devs in the world." rather than actually crediting it to the people who made the change possible.
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FINAL WORDS
The game itself is very beautiful. The awesome Open world map, absolutely banger soundtrack all are just too good. I absolutely love the game itself. But the current game system is very flawed and this needs to addressed as soon as possible.
If Genshin Impact stays like this, it will be removed from the mainstream audience. That's why changes need to occur if they want this crowd to stay, otherwise if all want is just money then they'll carry on with these shitty practices.
Know that at the end of all this if nothing is changed Genshin will just be another Generic Mobile Gacha Game where you'll save primogems for months for a char -> Get fcked by abyssal rates -> Curse the devs and game -> Go to sleep -> Rinse and repeat and if you enjoy it that's good for you. What sucks the most is that a game with so much potential will be ruined.

• The reaper takes on the son of the man he had just killed to be his apprentice
• Irina Jelavich is taken in by Lovro to become an assassin
• Gakūho Asano opens his crammschool
• One of Gakūho's students commits suicide. Principal Asano quites his job to reevaluate his teaching philosophies
• Gakūho Asano drives the men who drove his student to take his own life to a dangerous gambling addiction. In his spare time, he took karate lessons and beat a black belt on his 3rd day
• Principal Asano open Kunugigaoka Junior High
• The Reapers apprentice betrayes him, leading him to get caught and used for experimentation
• The reaper is experimented on, and slowly becomes something not human. He also meets Aguri Yukimura
• A rat used for testing becomes unstable and obliterates 75% of the moon. The reaper escapes and slaughters everyone in the testing facility, except for Yanagisawa and Yukimura. Yanagisawa escapes with his eye stabbed and Yukimura is impaled by a spear and starts bleeding out. The reaper fully transforms into a yellow octopus. The tentacles ask him what he wants, and he says he wants to be flawed and grow.
• Yukimura's sister witnesses her sisters death and blames the reaper for killing her. She takes a vile of tentacle seed and later dyes her hair and injects the tentacle seed into her neck. The tentacles ask what she wants, and she says revenge
• Yanagisawa, now disguised as Shiro, gives Itona Horibe the tentacle seed
• Akari Yukimura enrolls into Kunugigaoka under Kaede Kayano and gets transferred to the E-Class. There, she meets Nagisa Shioto and gives him the roll of main character (figuratively not literally)
• The reaper visits the government and claims to be the one who destroyed the moon. Here, he agrees to not destroy the Earth until next March as long as he is allowed to teach at Kunugigaoka Junior High class 3-E. After a failed assassination attempt, he threatened the to kill the students friends, family, or everyone else in the world if they attempt another irresponsible assassination attempt. Afterwards he is given the name Korosensei by Kaede Kayano
• Karma's suspension ends and he is sent to class 3-E
• Assasin Irina Jelavich is given a new target; Korosensei. After she fails, she decides to stay in the E class until Korosensei is killed
• During a class trip, an assassin by the name of Red-eye is given Korosensei as his new target. After failing and talking with Korosensei, he quits his job as an assassin. Korosensei hints at his past to Karasuma
•An A.I is given the directive of assassinating Korosensei. She is given the name Ritsu
• Shiro introduces Itona Horibe as Korosensei's brother, and they have a one on one fight that Korosensei wins
• A new agent from the ministry of defense named Takaoka comes to replace Karasuma. He quickly shows his violent side and challenges Karasuma to choose one of his students to try to kill him. Karasuma chooses Nagisa and he quickly defeats Takaoka. The principal fires Takaoka
• Shiro and Itona put their new assassination plan into action and fail
• Lovro teaches Nagisa an assassination trick
• Class 3-E wins a trip to an island where they will try their biggest assassination attempt on Korosensei.
• Class 3-E puts their plan into action and they fail due to Korosensei's absolute defense form
• Half of the class is poisoned by a mystery man who plans to kill Korosensei. The rest of the class decides to infiltrate the hotel and confront the mystery man who claims to have the antidote
• Inside, Irina distracts the gaurds and the class defeat 3 hired assassins. They confront the mystery man who is revealed to be Takaoka who wants to kill Korosensei and claim the bounty, but most importantly, get revenge on Nagisa
• Takaoka forces Nagisa to apologize to him, and then proceeds to blow up the antidote. Enraged, Nagisa threatens to kill Takaoka.
• Terasaka calms down Nagisa, and he uses the assassination technique taught to him by Lovro and defeats Takaoka. The others students are revealed to be perfectly fine by the hired assassins who tricked Takaoka into thinking the students were going to die
• Korosensei turned back into his regular octopus form
• Lovro is attacked by the reapers apprentice (who took over the name of the reaper) and is presumed dead
• Shiro and Itona attack Korosensei. After Intona fails, Shiro abandons him.
• Itona gets his tentacles removed and joins E Class. It is revealed when the tentacles asked what he wanted, he said he wanted to be strong
• Irina is rejected by Karasuma and storms off. She is later found by the reaper.
• The reaper threatens 3-E to come to a specific location so he can put his plan of assassinating Korosensei into action. If they don't he will kill Irina
• The reapers captures the students and Korosensei. Irina is revealed to be working with the reaper and Karasuma decides to fight back
• Karasuma defeats the reaper and Irina goes back to the E Class
• Nagisa's abusive home life is revealed
• After the E Class scores in the top 50 on exams, the principal challenges Korosensei and reflects on his past.
• Kaede Kayano attempts to kill Korosensei with her tentacles. She reveals her true colors
• Nagisa helps Korosensei remove her tentacles by kissing Kayano
• Shiro reveals himself as Yanagisawa accompanied by someone he calls "2.0" and Korosensei reveals his past
• Class 3-E is torn on saving and killing Korosensei; Mainly Nagisa (save) and Karma (kill). The class has a contest to solve this dispute. After remembering their past/friendship, Karma lets Nagisa win
• In hopes to receive information on how to save Korosensei , the class helps Karma and Nagisa get on a space shuttle and go up in space where information about the tests done on Korosensei is held on the ISS
• After receiving the information, the class learns there is a less than 1% Korosensei will self destruct and the cure is almost identical to the one Okuda made in episode 5. The class decides to continue trying to assassinate Korosensei
• After getting some pictures taken bt Korosensei for a school yearbook, the students head home, not knowing that the government is moving on with the final assassination project
• Korosensei, now trapped on the mountain, survives the first blast of the "Spear Of Heaven" and Yanagisawa and "2.0" sneak in before the the entire mountain is sealed off with an anti-tentacle barrier. The rest of the class go over to check it out, but they are bombarded with people trying to interview them, under the impression they were held hostage
• Karasuma gathers the children up, and tells them to stay out of this, but because of something he said earlier, Nagisa knows he doesn't mean that. The spear of Heaven will go off in two weeks time
• The class silences the guards and heads up tge mountain to see Korosensei for the final time
• The class meets up with Korosensei and they decide to give him a birthday. This is cut short by Yanagisawa and "2.0" who is revealed to be the reaper with tentacle seed. The reaper appears as a giant tentacles monster and is said to move at mach 40, 2 times greater than Korosensei's mach 20
• After some arguing and insults from the class, Yanagisawa injects himself with tentacle seed
• While watching the fight and seeing Korosensei is losing, Kayano goes to attack the reaper, but is impaled through the chest, in a similar way to her sister
• Nagisa carries Kayano's limp body and he along with the rest of the class get off the mountain before Korosensei, now enraged, uses his full power
• The blast sends Yanagisawa into the anti-tentacle barrier and he disintegrates
• The reaper meets the same fate, but reveals that when the tentacles asked what he wanted, he said he wanted to make his former teacher proud
• The students return to Korosensei, who is severely wounded and he heals Kayano. Weakened , Korosensei collapses. Tye students want to help him, but realize that because Korosensei is so unnatural and scary to the public, he has to die. Instead of leaving it to tye spear of heaven, all of tge students hold him down and Nagisa gets ready to stab him in the heart
• The class has one final rolecall, and Nagisa kills Korosensei. As Korosensei disintegrates into yellow light, the class, as well as Irina cry. Karasuma looks down in sadness and goes down the mountain to the government base
• All the students sit down in their classroom and sleep. In the night, the spear of Heaven went off, but they didn't realize it since it's only harmful to the one's with tentacles.
• Karasuma and tye government reward the children with their earned 10,000,000,000 Yen ($95,515,550)
I hope you enjoyed my timeli e of my all time favorite anime. If I missed something let me know. Thanks for reading

Anyway in reality: https://www.reddit.com/wallstreetbets/comments/l7ixaz/we_cant_let_wsb_get_political_no_matter_what/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3
60% of Americans live paycheck to paycheck, they are not participating in this casino heist.
You look r_tarded when you point at a subreddit that embodies the "temporarily embarrased billionaire" mindset and start talking about how it's good for socialism.
You know who is gonna come out winning? By and large, it won't be people who lost their homes and life savings in 2008. It will be upper-class millenials (le despised PMCs) and even bigger bois like Blackrock. And every winner is gonna come out loving capitalism bc "it worked for me!"
Meanwhile there's gonna be a ton of losers after the squeeze (not just these middle-sized hedge funds), encouraged by thought-terminating slogans and promises of a get-rich-quick scheme that can't fail. Will they be helpful for socialism? Maybe, or maybe they're just gambling addicts.
Schadenfreude is great, but we've already seen how the ruling class will never let you beat them at their own game. More people playing their game does not hurt them in the long run, it just validates the game. And ultimately they make all the rules.

I don't know how many people will read this, but if nothing else it will be therapeutic and perhaps something I can look back on. I'm 27, I've wasted the last 10 years of my life through this addiction. I have prioritised it over family, relationships, career, health and about every other aspect you could think of. Up until recently I've always been broke because of gambling.
However the past 6 months, I've been making good money with my online business. Sometimes 10k months, I used to think that when I get to earning that much I'll be afford to gamble and i'lll have money for everything else. Its a lie. I just upped my staked and gambled more and felt okay about it because the money was there. Ever feel like thats all your doing, working to gamble. Can't justify spending extra money on small items you need. New shoes, eugh, no I'm not spending £80. Yet will spend hundreds on gambling. I could have had a lot of money by now saved but it's all went to gambling.
I owe my parents thousands, I love them, did I pay them back when I started earning big, no, I rationalised it as I'll get a big hit and then pay them back. No win is ever enough. What takes days to build in an account is gone in seconds. It's not just the money, its the time I've lost over the years, every relationship I have been is has been ruined by me hiding this addiction and prioritising it over my significant other. Can't eat a meal without checking scores, laying in bed checking scores. How I treat everyone dependant on the next result. Never off my phone. I have a really good girlfriend at the moment who has started to pick up on it. I don't want her to know I have this problem until I'm actively dealing with it.
Every time I try to do this, I get drawn back in, its only £100, its only one bet, and I end up losing it all again. I have this weird complex where I think if i stop gambling I'll never have fun again or I'll never be able to make a lot of money and make it - even though NOBODY has become rich off this. I had dreams of making good money and travelling to watch tennis games and betting on them live - the rush would have been amazing. As I write this I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that if I'm to beat this thing. Today, the 26th of January has to be the day that I stop, there can't be another bet. If I start and win, its a loss. This addiction has taken too much from me and I refuse to let it take anymore. I will be logging in here for accountability and excited to interact with a community of people just doing their best to improve and get better. Thats fucking baller.
Tonight I lost a large amount and I took what was in my bank and spinned it on a roulette bet - I can honestly say I wanted it to miss. I wanted to be done. I am done. I am a person who needs this addiction replaced, I refuse to tell it ruin the rest of my life or steal any of my time. This is the first step.
If anyone has any advice of things that helped them stay away from Gambling or any ways to best help me understand. Please comment. I want to understand this on a scientific level so I can combat it and win. I refuse to be victim any longer. This is my day 1.

I have been thinking, am I paying the price for selfishness now. My only concern throughout the time period where I was supposed to be working on a long term relationship and thinking about growing a family have been spent on my compulsive gambling addiction, about 20 years now...I’m here alone in my apartment. I do have family but they are tending to their families. In my mind I seem to think that being sheltered in place is better with a family...maybe I’m wrong. I am sure there are people who would rather be alone. I guess it’s the same thing as when we are not under a sheltered in place order. I see people posting here that they have their loving girlfriend with them while they are sheltered, okay I will stop rambling, not sure if anyone understands where I am coming from, maybe because we don’t know ultimately what will happen, but I guess it’s one day at a time like with our disease, maybe I should focus on the positives and be proud of the fact that I am about to celebrate 1 year next week, that I still have a job and that I could work from home, and I do have a loving family. Ok I’ll stop now. Thanks for reading...

I started playing FFXIV recently as I had a lot of free time on holiday vacation in December, it’s been about a month now. Tried it once before and couldn't get into it but something clicked this time and I'm hooked. Kept a log of thoughts as I played through ARR and finally got to the start of Heavensward. If anyone cares to read my lengthy sprout observations from the journey:
Assorted Thoughts
I made a mustachioed Hyur Pugilist with the idea of being a gentleman boxer type, like Dudley from Street Fighter. Didn’t really work out that way since even from the early levels the pugilist’s moves are more kung fu than boxing, but I still find it fun. I hear some people hate positionals but I like them as they keep me engaged, even if I still flub them sometimes. I guess I lucked out too because the monk was reworked like the week before I started, which I only found out when I tried looking up some guides later which were now all outdated.
This game can look absolutely gorgeous some times, and then a cutscene will zoom in on a horrendously low resolution texture.
On December 23, two people at separate times randomly stop to give me free stuff and wish me happy holidays and I am genuinely grateful for the gesture even though it probably didn't cost much. On New Year's, I watch a lalafell band perform in Limsa with a large crowd. It feels nice to celebrate with people when it's hard to in the real world currently.
I guess there's more to the monk quests after 50 that I haven't gotten to yet but I enjoyed the pugilist quests a lot more than the 30-50 monk line. Don’t care for Widargelt or Erik while Hamon Holyfist was great. Widargelt literally taking off his shirt to give me the last piece of monk gear was funny though.
The Garlean commanders look like Power Ranger villains and I wish I could too as glamour. Minfilia’s outfit is absurd and gets weirder the more I look at it.
The number of times the main story gets padded with wild goose chases is infuriating and the game lampshading it doesn’t make it better. The Company of Heroes/Titan arc seems brought up a lot but I actually thought the corrupted crystal/Garuda one was worse about it. At least for the COH, it made them look like the idiots for wasting my time, but for getting the crystal, apparently my character was too dumb to say straight up what kind of crystal was needed, several times.
I thought the Coerthas story was really interesting. In the context of the greater storyline, I suppose it was kind of annoying to get waylaid from a simple task again, but I liked the intrigue and the inquisitor was a great villain for this arc.
If people like Minfilia and Cid have linkshells that they can use to call me anytime, why do they keep making me go to the Waking Sands/Rising Stones just for a chat before telling me to go somewhere else?!
"Hear. Feel. Think." "Is there aught amiss?" "Pray return to the Waking Sands." Ahhhhhhhhh
Baby's First Dungeons
I bite the bullet and queue for Sastasha and it’s one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life. I sit in queue for 10 minutes wondering if I should just cancel, then immediately on loading in, three Active Helper notifications pop up at once. I’m trying to read through tips about grouping, limit breaks, and loot distribution while people start running ahead. There’s so much happening between all the enemies pulled and particle effects being vomited on the screen. I keep pressing buttons hoping for the best. After the second miniboss when there's a lull, I type “I have no idea what’s happening” to which someone replies “pirates bad, we kill” and another says “your punching dudes so its good :)” which makes me happy but doesn’t help as my confusion is less a lack of mechanical or story understanding and more about questioning my life choices.
In Haukke Manor, we beat a boss and then everyone disappears. I think for a moment “it’s over? That was underwhelming” before one guy who lingered tells me to use Return.
Ifrit: I'd basically been rolling my face on the keyboard focusing on bosses during dungeons as they get burned so fast it wasn’t really necessary to look at adds... we wiped three times before one of the other sprouts finally expressed their confusion and a more experienced player told us to focus the nail when it appears as it's been killing everyone. We easily clear the next attempt.
Got yeeted off by Titan early in the fight. Up til now I'd been able to respawn or gotten a rez fairly quick so when my view moves up close to the fight but I’m unable to do anything, I think my game is bugged and type “uh should I be stuck with my camera up Titan’s ass right now...?” to which the only reply I get is “lol” as I sit and wait for the fight to finish, feeling wholly inadequate that the group does just fine without my dps.
By late ARR, I'm pretty sure all my commendations as a dps are because I was the only one left in the room at the end after watching a cutscene and I start giving commendations to other dps when able to show them some love.
End of ARR MSQ
There's like 40-something levels between meeting Biggs and Wedge for the first time to actually hearing their voices in a cutscene, which clashed with my internal voicing of them like Timon and Pumbaa.
I loved the Scion rescue mission and wished there were more solo duties like this in the MSQ. Some really cool moments where it felt the other Scions were actually helping instead of being talking heads.
The MSQ jumping from level 46 for Black Wolf’s Ultimatum to 49 for Operation Archon really threw me off. I didn’t really mind since I wanted to spend some time exploring other things, but up til then I had always been on level or higher for the story and it seemed random to just throw in this gap that threw off the pacing as the plot seemed to be pressing. With the fate of Eorzea in the balance, I left for several days to gamble at the Golden Saucer and level up crafters. I crafted 12 copper rings for a goldsmith job quest, not realizing “copper rings” is a different item.
At Cape Westwind, someone warns in chat that Rhitahtyn is a really hard fight but I’ve already seen the jokes as I've gotten paranoid about not pulling my weight and read up on fights beforehand. He still somehow ends up being even easier than I thought for my first 8-man.
Waited half an hour to get into Castrum Meridianum and matched with a party of 7 that seemed like they were helping a friend through the story. I followed behind as they zoomed past everything, triggering a cutscene what seemed like every 30 seconds. The Livia fight was incredibly underwhelming with the tedious cannon phase and then she just melts in her second phase.
In the Praetorium, I embarrassingly didn’t grab the key for the mech. I thought it was like other dungeons where only one person had to grab an item and cancelled my interaction at like 90% because everyone was already heading to the elevator. When I saw everyone going into a mech and a cutscene and it said I didn’t have access I realized I had to go back down the elevator for the key… by the time I had finished, everyone was gone. After stomping around a bit in my armor trying to catch up, I got teleported into the Nero fight with him halfway dead. For some reason, the cutscenes randomly start getting voiced in the middle of the dungeon. It's also really strange how sometimes the story treats you like you're alone in a dungeon, and other times it says you're with fellow adventurers, and I think this one flip flopped several times between both.
I kind of hated both of these last two dungeons due to the terrible pacing between the cutscenes and gameplay. I wished they were either more of a long solo duty like the rescue mission, or a series of trials with cutscenes between.
I sat through the entire credit roll (with some fast-forwarding). Yes, I know it’s skippable, but it’s a tradition for me to stay for game credits just to see if there’s anything interesting and it gives me time to reflect on the game. The longest credits I had sat through before were GTA V’s but this one beats it on account of including the “Meteor Survivors” list, which was fun to read through.
Post-ARR MSQ
Having everyone clap for me at the Waking Sands after the credits felt like the congratulations scene from Evangelion.
Where the hell did Alisaie go? (This gets explained but I had this note for a long time going through ARR as she just left and I expected her to come back to the story much earlier. Alphinaud never even mentions her, what a good brother)
Merlwyb just shooting the sahagin when they're summoning Leviathan was awesome even if it didn't help. I liked the set-up to the post-ARR primal trials more than the actual ARR ones.
As more things get voiced, the more I realize how wrong my mental readings were: I can never read Good King Moggle Mog correctly, it's always Moogle Mog to me. I can’t get over the fact that it’s pronounced Rah-moo. Harchefaunt has a real voice for the first time and I’m dismayed that House Fortemps isn’t pronounced like an unemployment agency like I had thought. That’s how Roaille is pronounced?!
Aymeric must have been scientifically calculated to be as hot as possible with the limited amount of polygons available for a character model.
I always liked checking in with my crew between missions in games like Mass Effect and other rpgs, so having near every mission start and end at the Rising Stones and chatting with everyone before continuing the MSQ felt really cozy. It's all optional but I like the NPC dialogue. Checking in with them and seeing stuff like Thancred slumped over drunk or Hoary Boulder trying to impress Yda was fun.
Hi Moenbryda, you have very distracting thighs. Oh bye Moenbryda T_T
Aww, tiny Midgardsormr... please stop talking to me and just look cute on my shoulder. Fuck Nabriales' sideburns.
Wondered why the characters kept mentioning in the Crystal Tower that Phlegethon was often confused with Acheron and found out this whole doozy of renaming that happened.
When they said make time for a lot of cutscenes at the end of 2.x, they really meant it. Got hit with the hour long Metal Gear in-game movie. I’m emotionally invested in the story now, I was actually grinding my teeth in anger during many portions of the penultimate quest/looong cutscene. Fuuuuck Teledji Adeledji. I know there's plenty of good lalafell NPCs but damn, something about being a lala amplifies any shitty behavior they do tenfold.
Pre-Heavensward Thoughts
I enjoyed ARR for the most part and I really enjoyed the post-ARR stuff. People say it just gets better after this so I'm really excited to keep playing. I intended to play this pretty much just for the single-player story content and was always reluctant to start because of the mandatory grouping for dungeons but it's been going well. The duty finder has made it easy to get through and people have been nice and helpful. I can actually see myself getting into raiding once I catch up because it is fun fighting bosses with other people. I'm also kind of addicted to the Gold Saucer and some of my play sessions are just playing cactpot and doing GATEs. It's also just cozy chatting with FC members or hanging out in a city. I am hooked for the long haul.
I read up on some of the changes they made to streamline the MSQ and think it certainly helped my early experience. Being able to fly in ARR areas definitely alleviates the tedious back and forth. Leveling was a breeze due to the ridiculous experience from the MSQ, though it did make me eventually stop doing side quests in later areas as they didn't reward much compared to just plowing through the MSQ. I'll go back and do them eventually, some of the side quests actually had more interesting lore and story than the actual MSQ in that area.
I looked up what happened, but it's kind of funny that due to removed quests, there's an entire section where the other Scions have an ordeal in the sylphlands that I get no explanation on, it's just a wild story they mention like a drunken escapade. I kind of wish some of those quests remained in some way, as I like the character interactions.
Gettting repeatedly betrayed by minor NPCs throughout the story stung enough, I'd be heartbroken if one of the more major characters turned on me.
Finding out that Isainne from the Starlight event quests was supposed to be a child Elezen (first one with the kid model I had seen) gave me the horrendous realization that one day Alphinaud will be taller than me.

Disclaimer:
Before we begin, let's establish some boundaries: I'm not able to speak for every person with AGP. I haven't been conducting in-depth studies for years on thousands of patients. All I can tell you is my story, and my observations in my life. I've been commenting on others' posts with little tidbits and excerpts from my life and my stances, but I've now received several private messages asking for more info - one person in particular asked for me to write out my "full story" more or less...so perhaps this is more effective, to have it all in one place.
There are many examples of "successful" trans stories, and tragic tales of de-transitioning, yet we don't see or hear much about AGP men leading a happy, successful life into middle-to-old age...which I think is mostly self-evident: if you happily manage it, you aren't likely to want to bring up old memories again in some reddit post. However, after so many years of not having anyone to understand me, I am enjoying wading in these waters, and absolutely feel it as my duty to share my story of success.
One more time for emphasis: AGP seems to affect people very similarly in some ways, and very different in others. Someone who was molested is likely to have a harsher trauma than someone who was told they looked like a girl one time - but it's actually not certain. We have SUCH limited data and awareness as a society on this thing, that it's almost all anecdotal other than a handful of doctors/authors. And while I write this to give hope to many, I understand that an 18 year old who already knows they have AGP has a way better chance of breaking habits as opposed to a 48 year old who's been indulging them since puberty. That said, perhaps the 48 year old has more willpower than the 18 year old! Point being, my story will explain what's worked for me. Perhaps it could work for you as well, or perhaps you actually want to feed into the AGP.
This got very long. I've divided it up into 3 parts:

1. Early life + teen years. This is the longest due to the importance of formative years + the relevance to a lot of young guys reading this. Writing about these parts was like looking into a different world, so guys, please have patience with your developing mind.
2. College years up until discovering "AGP" as a concept at 27. This is the shortest section, due to its relatively static nature.
3. 27 "the year of destiny"-present. This is also long because I begin with my discovery of AGP, and I've ended it off with my advice on how to achieve similar results with success. I'd recommend scrolling to the end if you're of limited attention span and just want some jot-points...but knowing AGP, I think you'll all read it just fine.

PART 1
Potential origins:
I didn't have a terrifying upbringing or a terrible family, but there were flaws. My father was a hard-ass about "manning up" which I actually think has a place, but he didn't balance that with expressing love as much as he could have. But I believe the major point of origin was when my sister and I (she's 2 years younger) would get in an argument or potentially minor physical clash, she would screech and my dad would come running in and give me a smack. No beatings, but it was evident to young me (I believe this happened from the range of 6-10 years old) that boys were at more physical risk than girls.
It was never explained (if it was, it wasn't done well because I don't remember it) about the biological differences between boys and girls as they get older, which at least would have made more sense. However, it was still a bad scene since my sister figured out the game and would fake-scream just to get me in trouble sometimes. I am sure this could have contributed to the AGP, as my brain may have imprinted from a base, primitive, survival level that being a girl is safer - ironically it's clear now that women are much more physically vulnerable, but once the imprint establishes itself, it's in.
My father was the bad cop, my mom the good cop, he was working a lot - which I'm grateful for - but he wasn't as involved as he could have been in hindsight. They eventually split up when I was 10, about a year before puberty...so yeah, I'm sure all of this has some accumulative effect.
During this pre-pubescent time, I was entirely hetero on the surface, although I can vividly recall a dream or two where I was a girl against my will - telling that I recall them. One was where I ran out the front door and if I didn't go back in, I'd become a girl. Another one I was sitting at a dinner table and I just was a girl - this one was actually more uncomfortably weird, due to me just being a girl in it doing normal things, but knowing I wasn't in real life.
Anyway, those dreams are not to be ignored, but I had the standard crushes on girls and had multiple "girlfriends" even at age 10. Played some sports but wasn't super interested in them at this point, although I liked video games and competition. I've always been emotionally intelligent, but other than that I had no typical feminine interests or desire for their clothing/bodies. Girls, to me, were mostly just boring people who didn't get rough and play sports with us guys.
I don't recall any conscious AGP feelings until puberty, where the imprint barged in through my mind's walls KOOL-AID MAN STYLE.
First signs of AGP
Safe to say, from here on out it's NSFW, but I'll try to keep it as classy as possible while still being informative.
Had it ever since first masturbation. It was to a picture of Angelina Jolie on a video game magazine dressed as Tomb Raider; I was very fixated on the tight shorts and imagined myself as her, and after that I'd often imagine myself as a woman in sex with a "shadow" man. I had never watched porn at this point, although I had seen sex scenes in movies which gave me the visual fuel.
I was the typical teen boy in that I was jacking off MULTIPLE TIMES every day, but I was atypical in that it was always AGP. I didn't have regular access to the internet until I was 14 or so, and even then I was never really into porn. All I needed was imagery if I wanted external stimulation; looking at a picture of a naked woman and imagining I had her body. My imagination game is very strong.
I remember first hearing about "transsexuals" or "sex changes" through TV shows/movies, and would get strangely curious about it. I remember reading into it at some point, and being immensely turned on the whole time. I went to a school with uniforms and would look at girls all day, and often I'd get jealous when they'd wear tight pants. Much more tamely, I'd often play little weird games in my head like when playing games I'd think to myself "if you hit that target on this shot, you get to become a hot girl".
So...YEAH it was pretty strong. It's also important to mention that I went through many changes during one year, around 11 years old: puberty, parents separating (only saw father every 2nd weekend), went to a different school...so it was a lot of change at once, and it's hard to say how much each contributed to what.
Social struggles, search for teen identity
All I know is I was significantly less socially successful from 4th grade to 5th, by a longshot. I was still playing sports and doing well at all that, but I just never really had that drive or knowhow to interact with girls. I was a good looking athlete so I was a little confused at all this; although I was also very late to the internet game as I mentioned - a lot of social bonding was happening over "MSN messenger, the equivalent to "AOL messenger" or the current facebook messenger. I was missing out on a lot of interaction there, so once again, hard to pinpoint how much was the AGP's fault, but I doubt it helped.
From 11-16 I didn't really know how to socialize effectively, although I was starting to get girlfriends slowly but surely in high school (14-16). And then my father passed away from cancer! Certainly not ideal.
Around 16 I found a group of stoner males that taught me a bit of the "party scene", although they had a parallel group of females that I actually started hanging out with more. This was probably the most effeminate path I'd taken in life to this point, but the guys were very aggressive and harsh, and I was so much more emotionally sensitive. I will never forget one night these girls tried convincing me "come on, just admit it, you ARE a girl! it's fine, you're just one of us..." uhh COME ON GOD WHAT THE HECK. That scene is instilled in my head to this day as an AGP-dysphoric memory.
All this time, I was indulging in AGP masturbation fantasies, but I also had strong hetero competition - I had romantic girlfriends, and even in that female group of friends I actually would have liked to have hooked up with some of them. I really just lacked the ability to be forthright and bold and masculine in my advances; all of the girlfriends I had, had advanced on me first. I will admit I have very good looks...without them, I would have likely been incel...UNTIL:
ALCOHOL HELPED WITH HETEROSEXUAL ENCOUNTERS
Around 17-18 years old I merged back in with the male group, and started drinking at gatherings/parties more often. Turns out this was GREAT for making me analyze less, being more forthright and brash, etc. Sure, I also behaved as a buffoon, but I guess in hindsight it did get me feeling stronger about my masculine side. Really not good advice, as I did engage in the typical "college weekend alcoholic" for years, something I didn't fully escape until about 27.
BACK TO PRODUCTIVE INSIGHT/ADVICE: cross-dressing phase
So yes, I clearly had textbook AGP, but it didn't terribly impact my life for a while - I imagine being purely hetero during puberty would have me jacking off just as often, and being just as distracted. Testosterone is a heckuva drug. But there was some escalation eventually. I believe the first time I cross-dressed in private was around 14-15...this gave me TREMENDOUS AGP excitement, but I felt a ton of shame and the level of arousal was a little scary. If I had to guess, I'd say I did it only once or twice every year, until somewhere in my later teens, perhaps 16-18. It's hard to pinpoint, but I do know that at some point I started CDing (always to intense ejaculation) more and more, and one week in particular I was doing it every day. I began shakily/anxiously trying to put on makeup, and even *NSFW* putting a lubed-up pen up my butt a little bit. Writing that out feels weird, but hey, them's the facts.
Thankfully, one day that week, someone came home - I believe it was my sister. I was fully dressed up + makeup, and my heart was pounding. Luckily I was in the bathroom, so I SOMEHOW MANAGED to have a shower and return all the clothing without anyone ever noticing. But I'm pretty sure that was the last time I ever CD'd...and I haven't looked back in that time. It was very clearly the most addictive thing I've ever felt in my entire life, and in the span of one week it was already escalating tremendously.
First big dysphoria
Let's talk about my thoughts during these times. As this CD phase escalated, dysphoria became extremely present. I remember getting hard to thoughts of myself as a woman, looking at my cock, and thinking "well, I see you're happy, but you're going to be cut up into a vagina someday if we keep doing this. Hope you're happy, bro".
I am somewhat of a manlet, with light features, and small hands/feet/bone structure, which only confused me further. I thought often and thoroughly about how it seemed I was basically meant to be a woman, and how there was no escaping. This level of obsessive thought-loop has appeared several times in my life, but thankfully not consistently or for too long. Every time I was in the deepest depths of this dysphoric mindset, I always felt my worst. The more I tried embracing my "inner woman", the more incredibly anxious, depressed, shaky, weak I'd feel...it became clear to me that I do not want to feel those things, and I had a lot to be grateful for in my male life. If this happened the more I accepted being a woman, then why would I surrender and feel that way all the time?!
As I strayed away from the CDing, the dysphoria dissipated considerably.
ONE MORE TIME
I have basically never felt intense anxiety or depression as an adult male. I always feel intense anxiety or depression when I have fed the AGP to the point it grows to dysphoria.
This should be a major emphasis for anyone out there who's still reading and resonates with my story. We are always told to listen to our body in terms of health, so why should this be any different? Yes, sure, if you get depressed NOT giving into your AGP, then sure, try indulging. But for me, one week of crossdressing seriously impacted my stimulus-sensitive mind, and could have altered my life completely had I not stopped then and there.
By the way, I didn't pop a pill, it wasn't easy...but I did it. I'm not a superhero. If you recognize that a drug addiction is bad for you, it's not going to be easy to quit...but you can do it.
PART 2
Alpha Chad Frat Boy + First "Coming Out"
Welcome to part 2, and I hope you enjoy the ironic title of the next stage. I'm going to try to be as concise as I can, as part 1 was very long - but the formative years are incredibly important, especially considering many young men will be reading this and still living in those years. This next period basically covers my late teens/mid 20s.
It's important to remember I still didn't even know what AGP was at this point. Huge disadvantage. I had figured I was maybe "half trans" or something, but couldn't figure it out. After the CDing phase, I continued my partying and social growth. On the positive side, I had some AMAZINGLY FUN times - despite my emotional senses, I am still extremely extroverted. And by this stage, likely with the help of alcohol, I had managed to build up some protective walls so the harsh words of brotherhood didn't affect me so much. I made MANY friends, and had sex with MANY women in my early-mid 20s.
The negative side: this immense social success made it very easy to ignore AGP tendencies. I still had very strong AGP masturbation fantasies, and was actually imagining I was many of the women I slept with. But because I was satisfying a huge social issue for me, this wasn't a big deal...
...until I actually fell for a girl, instead of just wanting a one-night stand. All my obsessive thinking was transferred to her - and I never got with her, even though we spent almost every day together for 2 years. We took the same classes, but she completely friend-zoned me. I would still hook up with other women, but she was always the target.
She also didn't help the AGP by saying things like "I wish you were girl so we could talk about fashion/boys/etc." or "what if we come back for a class reunion in 10 years and you're a woman!" Idk if this broad could see the underlying femininity or what, but that was certainly not great.
Eventually, after trying to overtly and forthrightly convince her to date me for two years, I drunkenly tried to fight my friend at a party who was making a move on her. She hated me for this, and said she never wanted to speak to me again.
"OH HI MARK, HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?" - my AGP morphing to dysphoria at that moment in time. Yeah, turns out if you completely shut out all remotely feminine traits in public, while privately engaging in AGP fantasies, and then putting all your emotional eggs in one human being...you're putting a lot of hope in that one basket not falling. Well, it fell. And I genuinely loved her as a friend at the least, so I actually told her I wanted to meet up and tell her something important.
I told her I had "trans thoughts" and went into some detail. I wanted her to just tell me it was obvious and that I should go for it, if we're being honest. I was wide open for exploitation after having all those "eggs in a basket" explode in one night...THANK GOD I didn't know about trans reddit, they would have had a field day.
I got lucky. This girl was shocked, and told me I shouldn't do anything drastic, that she wasn't someone who knew what to do here. It's important to note she had previously expressed some curiosity toward trans people, and seemed to like the idea of them. But her very rational response here was a major blessing at that vulnerable moment in my life.
Saying a lot of these then-decade old thoughts (was probably 21-22) out loud was therapeutic enough at the time, so the dysphoria basically vanished. This is why I do not recommend "blind repression", as it can leave you vulnerable when sometimes even just talking about or acknowledging the AGP on a non-sexual level an relieve very heavy dysphoria.
But I still didn't even know what AGP was...so let's fast-forward.
First therapeutic activity
At 23, after what was probably another year of blind repression like I'd done in the past, I managed to find an outlet for my emotionally sensitive side: acting classes. I had a very tough instructor who cut right through my tough-guy act and helped break down my walls to access the emotion required for acting out highly emotional scenes.
This probably saved my life.
For me, sexually feeding the AGP directly will lead to the least-desired outcome. However, finding an outlet to vent the AGP-adjacent (feminine, softer, but not sexual) side of me seems to have altered my life a lot. I also began exercising more than ever during this stage of my life.
This was also the poorest I have ever been financially, working temporary factory jobs for minimum wage. But I don't recall any major flare-ups leading to dysphoria, even though I was still engaging in the AGP masturbation fantasies, and doing the "I'm her" thing during sex. This indicates that even during times where flare-ups are more likely, things like exercise and having a "vent" can help.
Career boost
I focused on training for my career and at 24 I got a huge opportunity with a company. This helped boost mental well-being and kept things largely on-track for a few years...
Part 3
AGP discovery
At 27, I had moved to a new city, living at an AirBnb with other people, my career lost some momentum, and I still hadn't had a stable relationship since I was 19...you guessed it, AGP-fueled dysphoria-time.
This was the most critical turning point in my entire life to this point: I stumbled upon the concept of AGP. This was amazing! It described me perfectly, and so I delved through alllll the literature, and allll the online content...but remember, my life was still un-sturdy. I still exercised, but on its own it is not enough. And now I was obsessing over the AGP, diving in head-first...I ended up entering by far the worst dysphoria since the CDing era in my teens, arguably worse.
I say worse because I was very recently 27, and was acutely aware that 27 was getting a little too close to 30. Instead of learning how to control the AGP, I ended up watching some of the sissy hypno for the first time, and masturbating multiple times a day to AGP fantasies. Fortunately, I was old enough at this time to comprehend how powerful it was, and didn't go too far in that.
But it was the most intense year of my life. I could feel a spiritual tug-o-war, it was very apparent that this was now-or-never - in both directions. Knowing my enemy in AGP was great, but it wasn't great that I had a strong condition that the literature made it seem as if one day I was doomed to transition no matter what.
Doomed to Trans?
And doesn't that just play right into the fantasy? "well, you're going to do it as an old weird dude anyway, might as well do it now and not destroy the lives of a woman and children - not to mention enjoy some attractive pretend-woman years" "just give in" "surrender to it all, let it happen"...
What a siren song for someone with AGP...and yet, there was so much at stake. While not as wildly social as my early 20's (I quit drinking to excess that year), I enjoyed my social life as a male. I was attracted to women, even with the AGP sideshow. Let's face it: the most beautiful, mentally sound women are much more likely to be attracted to an in-tact man, and a traditionally masculine man at that. They want someone to fill the father role for their children.
There's also the matter of personal well-being. I've never seen an elderly transperson, frankly, until Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner. And they have the best medical teams money can buy. The facts are that medical transition is extremely dangerous...most people can develop serious health problems just from living normally, never mind the introduction of cross-gender hormones. One is hooked on a lifetime prescription of pills. As for the physical surgery elements: a neovagina has many, often disgusting, unfortunate outcomes that are far from uncommon.
We will never be women.
Knowing I had AGP really helped with that, especially as I do have some feminine-ish physical traits. It's a lot harder to justify living as a man if you're definitively instructed by society that you're actually a woman in the wrong body...and that's all I could find for the first 16 years of my pubescent life.
So I more or less listed the pros and cons of each.
List your pros/cons of each outcome
Pros of living male: great mental and physical health, attractive, great friends, get to create my own family, get to be with a great woman, career is overall still good, my future goals all align with this, day-to-day life is easy in term's of society's expectations of appearance, don't have to worry about walking alone at night etc.
Cons: never knowing for sure what the other side feels like, must exercise discipline instead of instant gratification, society expects a higher income if you plan on mating effectively, people feel less sorry for you, more responsibility
Pros of deciding to be a pseudo-woman: perhaps orgasms would be 12/10, not just 10/10, would at least be fun at first to play with female/body, basically get to hit re-start button on life and learn a new-playthrough, less responsibility, have sense of finality as opposed to constant wondering in dysphoric state
cons: may be unattractive, even if somewhat attractive will always know that you aren't actually a woman, less men will be interested in settling down, infertile, likely to die sooner, less physical strength, more vulnerable, mental health likely less stable due to nature of estrogen, operations could be botched leaving one a mutilated mess, will drastically alter all friend/family/work relationships, have to learn how to live from the ground-up in a brand new world, novelty could wear off and realize grass was not greener
...I'm not sure if it's the same for you, but it sure looks like the cons for succumbing to the AGP desires are more numerous and have much more dire consequences. It looks like a fun sexual gamble you'd maybe take with a video game character...but to take a chance risking a good life? It was obviously the worst outcome.
Do I have control?
Okay, so the AGP feelings are permanent, but I wanted to overcome them. I logically recognized that the male life is much more desirable...but once again, am I doomed? Heading towards 30, I wanted to find that special lady and have some kids, and I would loathe myself to give in to a selfish, illogical sexual kink that ruins the mental state of an entire family. Was I doomed? Not if I could help it.
If I kept blindly hoping for the best, pretending there was no dragon nearby, one day that dragon would emerge from its cave and kill me. If I was going to "die" at the hands of this thing, I was going to do it in the dragon's lair. Die bravely, or live triumphantly.
I needed to hammer this out, so I reached out to Blanchard himself, and he mercifully replied. Living in Canada, I was able to see his friend Ken Zucker, who understands AGP - I WOULD ONLY RECOMMEND GOING TO SOMEONE WHO TAKES AGP SERIOUSLY. The majority of today's gender therapists are likely to look for any reason to castrate you, more or less.
Heading into the therapy, I realized that this was an intense step and the dysphoria flared up substantially for the final time. I will admit, the AGP wanted him to tell me I was doomed and had to do it. It wasn't the logic talking, but the AGP knew it was closer to its goal than ever before...
Thankfully, talking about ALL of this with a true professional helped immensely. He said there is likely some AGP (no way!), but nothing I can't handle. I can't stress enough how fighting this head-on was such a victory for me living a normal life.
Now, this exact therapy-outcome may not be realistic for many. Money and/or an AGP-aware gender doc may not be in play. Use this subreddit, ask people like me or others whose story sounds relatable to yours. You can achieve this first step of clarity in many ways on your own.
Take control.

1. Figure out your exact condition, your feelings, what's led to it all, where you see your future...FIGURE IT OUT. Way easier said than done, but so crucial.
2. Decide your path, understanding that at no point will you be "forced" to do anything. Everything in my story after the AGP was imprinted was a choice of mine. The only difference was that each choice was made with different levels of wisdom behind it.
3. Protect yourself. Let's talk about that.

Protect yourself
Understand that while deciding to carry on as male is almost always the smart choice, and long-term the "easier" life...you are likely to have at least mild-to-medium AGP flare-ups for life. The people who go for the pseudo-woman life are sacrificing a lot long-term, but their big advantage is that they at least don't have to worry about AGP taking over any more - they've surrendered to it, at whatever cost that may be.
But if your life would be much better as a male, then I liken this logic to losing a war. Sure, the relief of the war being over would be something - you don't have to fight for your life anymore - but the repercussions may be profound, as seen by the effects on defeated nations/civilizations over the years.
It's been 2 years since my last dysphoria/major AGP flare-up, which is pretty cool, but obviously not a victory lap yet. However, there are massive differences in my lifestyle between now and my pre-AGP-aware repressions:

1. I no longer look at porn at all, or use AGP fantasies for masturbation or during sex. The urge isn't even there.
2. After implementing this mental wiring ^ I was able to increase my outward female-targeting. This landed me a great gal that I've since married, and I dominate her submissiveness automatically. Writing this essay has basically been like looking into a different world, in hindsight.
3. I've come to Christ fully and completely. To be honest, if you look at how my puberty began and where my life is now, it's not hard to see "miracles" can take place, and I do attribute God to many of my life's saving turning points...however I didn't mention His influence until now, as I want to reach as many people as possible, and I know reddit isn't the most Christian-friendly website. But I assure you that the advantages to having Faith are very helpful. One caveat: if someone does not effectively take control and understand their issues before jumping headfirst into religion, it is more likely to result in relapse. Hence the molester priests who kept their problems buried their entire lives.
4. I've returned to the weight-lifting of my early-20's, with a better diet than I ever had back then (and less of a weekend alcohol addiction). These seem basic, but mental health is so drastically improved from these factors alone, that it's worth mentioning.
5. Obsessive thought-loops: these are what spiral the AGP out of control, but they can also keep you going to the gym every day. Feeding the AGP via little thoughts will generally lead to medium thoughts, and so-on, unless it is identified and squashed early on. When I get mild flare ups I just laugh, and go over to kiss my wife, realizing she's a better woman than I could ever pretend to be. We are likely all somewhat obsessive, so be vigilant with your thought cycles.

Pillars of stability
I figured that I'd identify some pillars of stability that will naturally reduce anxiety and accompanying AGP flare-ups:

1. Career. Find a way to be happy while making money
2. Romance. The longer you use AGP fantasy in masturbation/sex, the harder this aspect will be to fulfill. If you pop an AGP boner, try switching over to a hetero fantasy before you finish. Maybe a girl you have a crush on. Tbh I've finished to visualizations of my ideal life, which is weird but seems to work
3. Physical. Work out, if not for physical appearance, then for mental well-being. Maintain a strong diet, get your vitamins.
4. Social. We are social creatures, get out there and have some fun. Loneliness is a major source of AGP flare-up.
5. Spiritual. I personally testify that God has had a major hand in my preservation, and not just from AGP/dysphoria. Maybe this seems silly, but keep an open mind.

You may notice that all of these are under attack from the lockdowns...I personally don't think this is an accident. It doesn't take a genius to see how terribly mental health in general has been affected by it all. Stay vigilant. Do not allow corrupt politicians (who don't abide their own rules) to mentally castrate you.
Final thoughts/Where I'm at now
I've been writing this for almost 4 hours now...jeez. My brain is spent, and I haven't eaten as I want this done. But let me try to offer a little bit more of my story/advice briefly. I may edit this little section if I think of something later:

• AGP doesn't have to be a curse. I actually believe that if it's compartmentalized effectively, you have an advantage over other guys when it comes to reading a woman, and knowing what she wants - especially sexually.
• self-awareness, discipline, willpower...these things reign supreme. You control a lot more than you think you do.
• I've been completely content since those fateful therapy sessions and subsequent life decisions, no hidden rage or envy. I am almost never affected by anxiety or depression
• these 2 years have been the best of my life, even though I had temporarily repressed blindly in the past. Considering I had still been engaging the AGP fantasies back then, it's no wonder something ate at me underneath it all, even in successful repression.

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Alright, that's it for me. Hope this helps someone, even slightly. There are likely spelling errors, repetition, and/or missing links/holes in the story throughout...I am not proofreading this right now, but feel free to point anything out or question anything I've written, of course. I'll edit where necessary.
Open to all questions and am always available to talk about this very lonely condition, in public or private if you prefer.
Stay strong...you are not alone.